Hello 2010!

What a pleasant experience to wake up on Jan. 1 and not have a splitting headache, dry mouth, and the all-consuming urge to stick my finger down my throat to get the vodka/crans-redbull/vodkas-ridiculously sweet hot pink fruity drinks out of my system! (And people say I can't handle my alcohol...huh...)

Last night ended up being a fantastic New Year's celebration. Original plans to head to a concert with my 18-year-old-cousin E were derailed when other fam members thought we should stay home to play games and not be insulting. Hm. We obliged, though I thought it was going to be a bit tiresome (maybe even annoying) to play Wii and Disney's SceneIt with a two, three and seven year old for the second night in three days. 

It's all about attitude though (and a little Amaretto didn't hurt either). It ended up being a total blast. A, E and L are so stinking cute. See? It is a physical and mental impossibility to be at all morose around those three.

I was starting to lose steam around 11 p.m. when my aunt C suggested we brave the crazies to watch the fireworks downtown. In typical Alix fashion the grumps started to set in as I was settling deeper and deeper into the couch. I've never been much for New Year's because I don't like hoards of people unless I'm very very drunk and don't know any better. 

Anyway, I dragged myself up off the couch and E and I jumped in my car, followed by C, J and cuz Esh in hers. We separated quickly; finding two spots together would have been impossible. I parked in a little alley between the hookah bar and the church on 1st and Arlington, fully giving it up to the gods of parking fate as to whether or not we would come back to a car with an intact windshield (or any car at all).  

We met up with B for a quick chai on a nameless rooftop near Java Jungle, then headed to 2nd and Virginia to join the masses in front of Harrah's for the fireworks. It was a beautiful and lengthy display, and definitely lit up the sky well enough to accomplish some amazing people watching on the street level. I could watch people forever, just wondering about who they are and where they're going and where they've come from. It was exceptional though, since many of them were high and/or drunk and/or dressed like maniacs. Fun for E and J to see, too. We shared an (albeit judgmental) smile or two. 

E and A New Year's Eve

We returned to the car shortly after making our way through the crowds after the Works. We took C back to her car and then E, J, S and I walked around a bit more through the casinos. More people watching and scantily-clad-girls-with-boobs-hanging-out avoidance (Seth to Jonah, "Don't look at that, don't look at that, and definitely DON'T look at THAT!"). 

Dropped everyone off and made it to bed before 2:30 a.m.  Not too shabby, and much more relaxed than I'd envisioned. 

Happy 2010! Hope you have a wonderful first couple weeks to the new year!

Goodbye to 2009.

Tonight is New Year's Eve. Which means, as I write this, that there are 14 hours and 30 something minutes left of 2009.

I'm not much for resolutions. One hardly ever follows through with them and they are usually made under some superficial societal guise of personal betterment. It is a good idea, though, to reflect on a year that has passed in an individual, honest and private way.

This is important to me especially, as I have trouble being honest with myself and my memories. (WARNING: Obnoxious sidenote) I could justify and convince myself of almost anything if I get going (maybe I really did enjoy being holed up in my room on my laptop writing that thesis for two months at the end of last year. There was the challenging research, the rewarding groove and flow of writing, the insightful interviews, the editing process, the wonderful moments of being awake when the rest of the city was sleeping, the empowering and exciting defense...) See what I mean? Maybe I really did enjoy that process. Maybe I've convinced myself that I didn't. Hrmmm. Have to rethink that one.

Anyway, what I do know is that the big surprise of 2009 to me is that, just because I've turned 24 and have finished a certain number of steps in my "life plan," a clear path hasn't necessarily opened itself to me. I was under some impression that if I took steps A, B, and C, than my Extraordinary, Stable, Challenging, Rewarding, Impressive and Brilliant Life Path would be clear. That there would literally be a red carpet down said life path for me to walk. Or run. Or crawl. Or whatever...because it's mine to choose.

The thing is, I don't think I thought ahead in detail about what that would be. I thought it was an equation, a checklist. High School? Check. Travel? Check. College? Check. More travel? Check. Graduation? Check. Why hasn't some miraculous career dropped into my lap (I'm guessing it's because I haven't filled out any job applications)? The real question is, Why don't I have some clearer idea of exactly what I want to spend my life doing?

More practically, why don't I know what I want to study in graduate school? I really like the thought that I am a woman who would have a lot of letters after her name (MA, PHd, JD, etc. etc.) So many of my friends have gone to grad or professional schools...what's wrong with me? Where's my motivation? Why are my interests so spread out and unfocused (one can hardly do a master's in sports psychology/international affairs/creative writing/public policy)?

The lesson I've taken from this, my solution to solve this educational and professional identity crisis, is JUST TO FREAKING RELAX. I think it's a good solution really. Especially when written in capital letters all over my apartment in dry erase marker...on my bathroom mirror, my refrigerator, the board in my bedroom. JUST FREAKING RELAX. My new mantra.
I've decided that there is no clear path. In anything. Otherwise what would be the point? This whole life thing is supposed to be a big adventure. And while we often have an idea of how it's supposed to go, rarely does it turn out that way. I'm happy for my friends that will have master's degrees and be doctors in whatever. And I am absolutely keeping my thoughts open to doing the same eventually. But I'm leaving that equation, that checklist, that says my life will only be complete if I've completed a doctoral dissertation by the time I'm 30. I still won't be a great writer by then anyway (especially if I keep slacking on my journaling and blogging).

Plus, I have found something really great this year. My heightened passion and excitement around everything Volleyball has surprised and invigorated me. I don't get up at 5 a.m. for anything, but I find myself relatively easily getting out of bed for early morning practices. I look forward to coaching, teaching, analyzing, planning, scouting. I've always had at least a luke-warm like for the sport, especially when I was playing. That almost-passion had diminished over the last couple years as I was coaching out of necessity to pay the rent and I had no ownership or responsibility for what was going on. It is my feeling (although the coaches with whom I worked disagree) that I filled a spot on the court and had no role in the minds and hearts of the girls I was teaching.

Now, at Manogue and Northern Nevada Juniors, I feel totally responsible for the challenges and successes that my girl enjoy. I feel like it matters if I show up. And I feel happy when I leave the gym at night. Refreshed. Excited. Lighthearted. These feelings tell me that this is something that I should really hold on to.

Plus, since somehow I've found myself in this amazing situation with Jason and KatiJo (the Three Coaching Musketeers of sorts), there is so much more that is open to me. Jason's absurd and never-ending connections to people in the national volleyball community are boundless. There are opportunities to write for Volleyball Magazine, to work for FIVB, and attend camps and practices with the men's and women's national teams. I think that, somehow, even though my conceived "life path" hasn't revealed itself, another door has opened and I have walked through to find a whole other set of wonderful opportunities. And there is no reason for that not to be more than OK, fantastic even!

with Karch Kiraly at AVCA Convention in Tampa, Flor.

So career, bill-paying stuff aside, 2009 has still been a topsy turvy kind of year. The relationship realm has been turned upside down. To break up with Brian was a heart-breaking decision, and though I know it was the right decision, it was and is still extraordinarily difficult. There was a point when I knew for sure that Brian and I would get married and have two children and a Great Dane and Hank and be happy. So again with the life path clarity stuff...not so much.

The only negative thing that I even remotely regret about the kind of relationship I had with Brian is that I came out of it with hardly any friends. This whole concept of friendship is completely elusive to me now as I've realized that I am a great girlfriend but a hideous friend. (At this point I'd like a sidenote to thank Parisa and Dana, my great long-distance friends who, when we do talk, the conversation never skips a beat and I know that we will always be friends. I'd like also to thank Michelle, my great, great friend, who is one of the few who is in close geographical proximity to me and who I have yet to drive away with my flakiness. There are a few other, newer friends—Annie, Virginia, Skyler, Jenn, KJ—who I can't wait to get closer to and who should also be recognized for their patience and understanding thus far).

Clockwise from top left: Parisa, Michelle, Brenna, Michelle and Virginia, Annie, Junior and Dana

Basically, I let all of my friendships go by the wayside when I was with Brian because all of my energy went to him. This is, by the way, not at all his fault, nor mine, but rather the result of being 17 and in a serious relationship and waking up to be 24 to see how things have turned out.

I'm sure that the ending of some of these friendships were timely and natural, just the probable drifting apart of friends whose impact on the other has run out. But I felt so devastated this holiday season when I knew that they were all at home reconnecting with each other and spending time creating new memories...and none of them even thought to call me. Again, this is not their fault, but is only my own as I am responsible for losing touch, drifting apart, and losing value as a friend for them.

So here I am, starting a new year, with these sorts of reflection on my mind. I am not friendless, but am not happy with the relationships in my life. I need to be a much better friend to the people whom I care about (notice the complete absence of the word resolution). I need to stay in closer touch and be there for them as they have been there for me.

As for the whole alone thing. I would like to really take advantage of the opportunity to be with myself and get to know who that is. I feel the urge to flee back into the arms of another relationship in order to avoid this new and unsettling feeling of solo-ness. I would like to stay aware and alert to the fact that, just maybe, I may like being alone.

And, there are a few exciting things on the docket for the year, which I would like to enter into with the most positive and open of attitudes:

1. Turning 25. Fuck. (There goes my positive and open attitude)
2. Having a wonderful club season with NNJ, and continuing to be open to more opps that this volleyball thing has to offer.
3. The World Cup Internship in South Africa, May through July. How lucky am I that I am still in a place where I can take advantage of such opportunities? This will prove to be an amazing experience indeed.
4. Family. My family drives me up a wall, but they are some of the best people in the world. I am especially looking forward to the little ones, Addy who will be 8, Eden who will be 4, and Lena who will be 3.
5. Writing. Period.

I believe that this completes my year-end reflection. If I were to make a resolution it would be to write more. But I won't, because I know that P Joon Roo will be on my ass to keep me going, and I'm hoping to find a little internal motivation of my own:)

There's no place like Oz...

I can't believe that I'm spending time on a computer while I'm in Brisbane, but I think there's something to be said for writing about something while you're in the thich of a situation. There's nothing more frustrating that trying to recreate a feeling that you had in a place once you're out of it. It just doesn't work. That's my justification and I'm sticking to it. So what if I checked warfish and facebook?

My visit so far has been perfect. Relaxed to the max. I arrived Wednesday morning at about 11 a.m., after nearly 24 hours or travel from San Fran-->Sydney-->Brisbane. I was pretty tuckered on the cab ride to New Farm...so much so that I hardly perked up when the jovial Indian guy started pointing out all the good restaurants and nightclubs.

I found the keys that P had left for me and immediately settled into their apartment. It's adorable, a little studio in a perfect location with full bath, kitchen and dark hardwood floors. The vaulted ceilings and white paint give it a roomy feel, plus all the light doesn't hurt either. I grabbed a bite to eat, showered and took a nap. Parisa got home from work at about 6 p.m., and we immediately set to work catching up. It's an automatic routine with us...hug hello, quick chit chat about the flight etc., then before we know it we dive in and completely purge ourselves of all or most of the dirty secrets we've hidden from the world since our previous visit.

Mom asked me on the way down to San Fran what I most enjoy about my friendship with P. I told her that I enjoy our conversation because there's no bullshit. Parisa literally knows everything about me: my dirty habits, my nasty and ugly tendencies, my faults and fears. And she still wants to be friends.

So after about an hour of exhaustive conversation, we took a walk to Brunswick St. to get some pizzas. Kolya got home shortly after we did. His energy is ridiculous. The way he smiles when he talks about things, especially their new life in Australia, is completely contagious. I swear, if he was into it, he could get me excited about poking splintered pieces of wood under my fingernails. He is kicking ass with a sales and marketing team....a face-to-face salesman knocking on people's doors and spreading awareness about cheap, clean energy. It's pretty much a perfect job for him---evidenced by his big win as a rookie, where he did so well that they company gave him a new iPod and a free sky dive.

Sweeney Todd saw us off to sleep, and before I knew it Kol and I were enjoying breakfast together and accidentally waking Parisa up with our guffaws. He was explaining the popular Jugger community to me-think Role Models-and I was laughing like a freakin' hyena and trying to prevent my cereal from coming out of my nose.

Parisa and I had the day together to relax and do whatever. We made it into a quaint coffee house by about noon, where we spent the next two hours coming up with the best novel ideas of the next century. OK maybe decade. OK maybe year. But still they are really good, and I only hope that I can find the motivation to follow through with them with her.

We walked along the Brisbane River all the way downtown, past tons of riverside restaurants and bars. If I were rich this is where I would have my hangups. It'd be a different restaurant for every meal, food from a different region every day. We wound our way through the crowd and sidewalks, through a gorgeous outdoor mall. Super busy on a Thursday night---apparently the recession is hardly noticeable in Brisbane. There is so much building going on that it would appear that they're in the middle of an exploding economy.

The City Cat water taxi along the Brisbane River dropped us off after a quick ride from downtown to Sydney Street. The evening found us watching Casablanca, and before I knew it, somehow Kolya had come home and cooked a delicious meal. I swear, P, you are the luckiest girl ever. He cooks, he cleans, he plans trips, he handles finances well, he works, he laughs...I know we're not discussing some pricey retail item, but, man. He does it all!

Henrietta, knitting extraordinaire, stopped by for a visit. Parisa gave me my first knitting lesson (Mamy tried to show me how to crochet a few years ago, but for some reason it didn't take hold--possibly because she yelled at me and said that I have 12 left thumbs) and I am completely hooked. We spent the evening watching Harry Potter (warming up for when we see the new one on Sunday night) and knitting...

We had the most deliciously lazy day yesterday. Full of knitting, napping, writing and watching Pride and Prejudice. Who new Colin Firth could be so hot? I really don't think many people are as good at being lazy as P and I. No changing, no showers, no nothing. Just pure unadulterated laziness. Woot. We did make a good dinner for Kolya...A good bolognese sauce with pasta and salad. The on-going battle between myself and Kolya as to who is the best houseguest/host continues...he never lets me do dishes or cook or pay for anything or ANYTHING. But I've already managed to one-up him as I cooked dinner AND cleared the table the other night. How pathetic is it of me to be so excited about that!

Today I'm alone at the apartment, on my way out to explore. Think I will take a run to the river and hunt down the park K was telling me about with the circuit-training equipment. I've been horrible about eating well since I've been here...cookies and ice cream and pasta...Think I'll have to work it off all over again when I get home. But that's what vacation's all about, right?

Will write again with some actually useful observations about Oz. I am sure that everything I encounter will be agreeable! As for now, I am completely thrilled with the trip so far. I need to get some red sparkly kitten heels and click them a few times to come back here whenever I can!

It's been awhile

I have a feeling many of my future blogs (and possibly past blogs, too...I didn't check) are apt to have this title. I knew it had been some time since I'd last written, but I didn't think it'd been almost a month. Time flies when you're having fun, but also apparently when you're just living life day by day.
I leave for Australia in five days. I am, to say the very least, completely thrilled. At this point, it's more of a necessity than a blessing. It's been a year since I've been out of the country (I don't count Mexico) and I can feel it in my travel-bug riddled bones. Also seven months without having seen P and K isn't too long; however, the more frequent our visits get, the more frequent I want them to be. Honestly I may just shock them both and move to Oz and ruin their lives forever.
It's been a relaxing couple weeks here. Nothing really new. The Gathering Genius stuff will officially be over on Saturday (and not a day too soon). N taking over everything at Primary Image is a great relief because now I can come and go and enjoy it and not worry about leaving M and B hanging when I gallivant off to weird places. Manogue volleyball is going well---I wish I were as serious and committed as KJ and J...I am a bit of an outcast that way I think. But it's still a great learning experience and I hope I can pass off some knowledge to the girls and help them improve.
The nagging feeling of "what next" is becoming familiar. Like a dull toothache. You know the feeling is always there...a little ibuprofen makes it go away for a little while, but you know it will be there when you wake up the next morning. You hope for it to work itself out miraculously disappear one day...but you realize that you have to see someone and take the step to solving it before it will get any better. Unfortunately, no doctor or dentist can solve this problem for me. It's a big life-changing decision. Grad school? Career? Travel? Reno? Elsewhere? Boyfriend? Family? Arg.
I got my GRE textbooks to start studying, and have spent a grand total of probably 5 hours researching grad programs online. I have yet to feel a tug to reassure me that it's the right thing to do. I may never feel a tug though...there may never be an external signal of assurance that I've made a good decision. I just have to take the leap.
Now that G2 is over, though, the thought of not having a steady income is enough to scare the pants off anyone. I have some savings, but it's definitely not much and using it as rent money is not exactly what I've envisioned doing with it. I gotta get on Craigslist and see if anyone's looking to pay someone like me for writing, reading, 'rithmetic, whatever.
In the meantime, I only have four more workouts before I leave for Oz. No results as of yet that I can see. B tells me he can see/feel a difference, but I'm pretty sure he has to say that. All I really care about right now is that I feel better. A ton better. I may actually wear a swimsuit when I go snorkeling in Australia...

Desiderata

by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

The Almost Blog

I have almost written a bunch of different blogs this week, but didn't quite get around to getting inspired to start or finish any of them. Here are some of the things going though my crazy mind this week:
1) Sometimes I wish someone would just congratulate me and give me a prize for being a semi-functioning pseudo-adult. I think I should get an award for being able to go grocery shopping, care for others, and not let myself sink into unhealthy oblivion.
2) Honesty is a weird thing. When to be honest, when to spare feelings, when to give a much-needed wake-up call. I've decided that most of them time it can be really hard to be honest with the people that we love, but that we usually suck it up and do it because it's best. I've also realized that I don't take care of myself nearly as well as I take care of others, and thus are not honest with myself about crucial things. I have to keep an eye on this...
3) There are so many amazing people in this world that can affect our lives with just the smallest touch/word/look/conversation. I am so grateful to everyone in the world who has had an impact on me, whether it was Laroba the fried-egg sandwich maker in Ghana, Connie the MSW who helped me relax and look at life as an adventure, that girl in the painting on the Gs wall who reminds me that I have it so good, or the countless other people who have made me stop and think and consider something in a different way. The crappy thing is that there is no way to thank them all.
4) My grandmother is around. She passed away Dec. 11, 2007, but she is definitely here with me today. Somehow. I had a very intense dream last night, and her name must have come up nearly ten times today. What I am supposed to get out of this I don't know. But I miss her. A lot.
5) I want to go to Australia. Now.
6) I decided to apply to grad schools and take the GRE this year. Now I just need to learn how to reduce fractions for the test and figure out a program that sounds interesting. or two. or three.
7) For some reason, the negatives in life are easier. It is easier to be mad, sad, grumpy, annoyed, judgmental and insecure. It is harder to be happy. But dammit, I'm going to try.
8) Post-exercise endorphins are not to be underestimated. They are addicting.
9) It freaks me out that I don't know where I want to be in five years. It also freaks me out that the thought of having a real career, an 8a.m.-5 p.m.-50-week-a-year job is the most unappealing thing in the world. Aren't I supposed to want something like that? Isn't that where I'm supposed to find some purpose?
10) I would rather keep my beat up ol' Suzuki than get a new car. Even at 14 years old, with no A/C, shitty sound system and a behemoth of a crack in the windshield, it's better to me than an impersonal strange set of wheels. We've got history, and she hasn't died on my yet (not really, anyway).
11) I am picky about friends. This is dangerous because I'm pretty positive that I am a hard person to really like and love and get to know, and this will likely translate to having few friends through life. If the previous five years or so are any marker, I will hopefully continue to be blessed the strong friendships that I have.
11) I would like to look into the possibility of playing volleyball in grad school.
12) For some reason on this new eating regime I've adopted, i crave sweets more than bread and pasta, and I'm infamous for not having a sweet tooth. Weird.
13) I want to go to Australia. Now.
14) The uneasy feeling of insecurity and unfamiliarity in the work place is a good sign, but is, nevertheless, insecure and unfamiliar. I'm waiting to feel like I know what I'm doing at Manogue. I hope it comes quickly.
15) I need to write more. Much, much more.
16) We are all responsible for our own happiness, and can't expect ourselves to create happiness for anyone else. It will only drag us down.
17) I read Desiderata every morning. It helps a lot. Look for it in the next blog.

Life's not perfect...but it's pretty dang good

I've been slackin' on the blog front lately. Last week was pretty intense—my first week of working out and eating well, Pierre moving in with all his stuff before he heads to Oz in three weeks, trying to clear the head space and focus on some really positive personal stuff (and not so much on some really stressful relationship stuff), etc. etc. Excuses, excuses, I know :)
Despite the fact that I haven't been flexing my writing muscles, I am in a great space. It's really amazing how much better I feel after just a week of healthy active living/eating. This is the first time I've felt such an expansive and intense support system around me to encourage me to take care of myself. Deirdre, Luke, Joey, Mike and everyone at the club have been more than helpful and fun and good-humored and excited. The family, as always is supportive. And B of course is, as always, more supportive than I could hope for.
So after three workouts and five days of eating well, I feel great. How amazing would it be for me to be able to be in Australia in July and feel pseudo-comfy in a bathing suit? What a concept!
Today, though I faltered a bit. I went to the VCHS graduation to see Sophie, Cambria, Jake and others go through their ceremony. I caught myself in bitch mode, wondering why it seemed to be such a big deal. Then I remembered how important my HS grad was to me—how stressed I was about everything being perfect...the ceremony, the speech, the afterparty, etc. So it was nice to just soak up the moment and feel pride in my friends who have opened a new chapter in their lives.
The party with the Glos was fantastic. S and T sang together, and aped around like chimps. It was great to meet the extended T and D families: sisters, brothers, sons and daughters. S could have a huge party with just her first cousins and call it good. I felt pretty honored to be there, plus it was relaxing and very chill.
I find my eyes closing as i write this, so I apologize if it's not coherent. I'll write more in the next day or two and will hopefully be a bit more direct organized and clear. Happy almost Sunday to everyone ;)