I'm not much for resolutions. One hardly ever follows through with them and they are usually made under some superficial societal guise of personal betterment. It is a good idea, though, to reflect on a year that has passed in an individual, honest and private way.
This is important to me especially, as I have trouble being honest with myself and my memories. (WARNING: Obnoxious sidenote) I could justify and convince myself of almost anything if I get going (maybe I really did enjoy being holed up in my room on my laptop writing that thesis for two months at the end of last year. There was the challenging research, the rewarding groove and flow of writing, the insightful interviews, the editing process, the wonderful moments of being awake when the rest of the city was sleeping, the empowering and exciting defense...) See what I mean? Maybe I really did enjoy that process. Maybe I've convinced myself that I didn't. Hrmmm. Have to rethink that one.
Anyway, what I do know is that the big surprise of 2009 to me is that, just because I've turned 24 and have finished a certain number of steps in my "life plan," a clear path hasn't necessarily opened itself to me. I was under some impression that if I took steps A, B, and C, than my Extraordinary, Stable, Challenging, Rewarding, Impressive and Brilliant Life Path would be clear. That there would literally be a red carpet down said life path for me to walk. Or run. Or crawl. Or whatever...because it's mine to choose.
The thing is, I don't think I thought ahead in detail about what that would be. I thought it was an equation, a checklist. High School? Check. Travel? Check. College? Check. More travel? Check. Graduation? Check. Why hasn't some miraculous career dropped into my lap (I'm guessing it's because I haven't filled out any job applications)? The real question is, Why don't I have some clearer idea of exactly what I want to spend my life doing?
More practically, why don't I know what I want to study in graduate school? I really like the thought that I am a woman who would have a lot of letters after her name (MA, PHd, JD, etc. etc.) So many of my friends have gone to grad or professional schools...what's wrong with me? Where's my motivation? Why are my interests so spread out and unfocused (one can hardly do a master's in sports psychology/international affairs/creative writing/public policy)?
The lesson I've taken from this, my solution to solve this educational and professional identity crisis, is JUST TO FREAKING RELAX. I think it's a good solution really. Especially when written in capital letters all over my apartment in dry erase marker...on my bathroom mirror, my refrigerator, the board in my bedroom. JUST FREAKING RELAX. My new mantra.
I've decided that there is no clear path. In anything. Otherwise what would be the point? This whole life thing is supposed to be a big adventure. And while we often have an idea of how it's supposed to go, rarely does it turn out that way. I'm happy for my friends that will have master's degrees and be doctors in whatever. And I am absolutely keeping my thoughts open to doing the same eventually. But I'm leaving that equation, that checklist, that says my life will only be complete if I've completed a doctoral dissertation by the time I'm 30. I still won't be a great writer by then anyway (especially if I keep slacking on my journaling and blogging).
Plus, I have found something really great this year. My heightened passion and excitement around everything Volleyball has surprised and invigorated me. I don't get up at 5 a.m. for anything, but I find myself relatively easily getting out of bed for early morning practices. I look forward to coaching, teaching, analyzing, planning, scouting. I've always had at least a luke-warm like for the sport, especially when I was playing. That almost-passion had diminished over the last couple years as I was coaching out of necessity to pay the rent and I had no ownership or responsibility for what was going on. It is my feeling (although the coaches with whom I worked disagree) that I filled a spot on the court and had no role in the minds and hearts of the girls I was teaching.
Now, at Manogue and Northern Nevada Juniors, I feel totally responsible for the challenges and successes that my girl enjoy. I feel like it matters if I show up. And I feel happy when I leave the gym at night. Refreshed. Excited. Lighthearted. These feelings tell me that this is something that I should really hold on to.
Plus, since somehow I've found myself in this amazing situation with Jason and KatiJo (the Three Coaching Musketeers of sorts), there is so much more that is open to me. Jason's absurd and never-ending connections to people in the national volleyball community are boundless. There are opportunities to write for Volleyball Magazine, to work for FIVB, and attend camps and practices with the men's and women's national teams. I think that, somehow, even though my conceived "life path" hasn't revealed itself, another door has opened and I have walked through to find a whole other set of wonderful opportunities. And there is no reason for that not to be more than OK, fantastic even!
with Karch Kiraly at AVCA Convention in Tampa, Flor.The only negative thing that I even remotely regret about the kind of relationship I had with Brian is that I came out of it with hardly any friends. This whole concept of friendship is completely elusive to me now as I've realized that I am a great girlfriend but a hideous friend. (At this point I'd like a sidenote to thank Parisa and Dana, my great long-distance friends who, when we do talk, the conversation never skips a beat and I know that we will always be friends. I'd like also to thank Michelle, my great, great friend, who is one of the few who is in close geographical proximity to me and who I have yet to drive away with my flakiness. There are a few other, newer friends—Annie, Virginia, Skyler, Jenn, KJ—who I can't wait to get closer to and who should also be recognized for their patience and understanding thus far).
Clockwise from top left: Parisa, Michelle, Brenna, Michelle and Virginia, Annie, Junior and DanaI'm sure that the ending of some of these friendships were timely and natural, just the probable drifting apart of friends whose impact on the other has run out. But I felt so devastated this holiday season when I knew that they were all at home reconnecting with each other and spending time creating new memories...and none of them even thought to call me. Again, this is not their fault, but is only my own as I am responsible for losing touch, drifting apart, and losing value as a friend for them.
So here I am, starting a new year, with these sorts of reflection on my mind. I am not friendless, but am not happy with the relationships in my life. I need to be a much better friend to the people whom I care about (notice the complete absence of the word resolution). I need to stay in closer touch and be there for them as they have been there for me.
As for the whole alone thing. I would like to really take advantage of the opportunity to be with myself and get to know who that is. I feel the urge to flee back into the arms of another relationship in order to avoid this new and unsettling feeling of solo-ness. I would like to stay aware and alert to the fact that, just maybe, I may like being alone.
And, there are a few exciting things on the docket for the year, which I would like to enter into with the most positive and open of attitudes:
- Turning 25. Fuck. (There goes my positive and open attitude)
- Having a wonderful club season with NNJ, and continuing to be open to more opps that this volleyball thing has to offer.
- The World Cup Internship in South Africa, May through July. How lucky am I that I am still in a place where I can take advantage of such opportunities? This will prove to be an amazing experience indeed.
- Family. My family drives me up a wall, but they are some of the best people in the world. I am especially looking forward to the little ones, Addy who will be 8, Eden who will be 4, and Lena who will be 3.
- Writing. Period.
