Goodbye to 2009.

Tonight is New Year's Eve. Which means, as I write this, that there are 14 hours and 30 something minutes left of 2009.

I'm not much for resolutions. One hardly ever follows through with them and they are usually made under some superficial societal guise of personal betterment. It is a good idea, though, to reflect on a year that has passed in an individual, honest and private way.

This is important to me especially, as I have trouble being honest with myself and my memories. (WARNING: Obnoxious sidenote) I could justify and convince myself of almost anything if I get going (maybe I really did enjoy being holed up in my room on my laptop writing that thesis for two months at the end of last year. There was the challenging research, the rewarding groove and flow of writing, the insightful interviews, the editing process, the wonderful moments of being awake when the rest of the city was sleeping, the empowering and exciting defense...) See what I mean? Maybe I really did enjoy that process. Maybe I've convinced myself that I didn't. Hrmmm. Have to rethink that one.

Anyway, what I do know is that the big surprise of 2009 to me is that, just because I've turned 24 and have finished a certain number of steps in my "life plan," a clear path hasn't necessarily opened itself to me. I was under some impression that if I took steps A, B, and C, than my Extraordinary, Stable, Challenging, Rewarding, Impressive and Brilliant Life Path would be clear. That there would literally be a red carpet down said life path for me to walk. Or run. Or crawl. Or whatever...because it's mine to choose.

The thing is, I don't think I thought ahead in detail about what that would be. I thought it was an equation, a checklist. High School? Check. Travel? Check. College? Check. More travel? Check. Graduation? Check. Why hasn't some miraculous career dropped into my lap (I'm guessing it's because I haven't filled out any job applications)? The real question is, Why don't I have some clearer idea of exactly what I want to spend my life doing?

More practically, why don't I know what I want to study in graduate school? I really like the thought that I am a woman who would have a lot of letters after her name (MA, PHd, JD, etc. etc.) So many of my friends have gone to grad or professional schools...what's wrong with me? Where's my motivation? Why are my interests so spread out and unfocused (one can hardly do a master's in sports psychology/international affairs/creative writing/public policy)?

The lesson I've taken from this, my solution to solve this educational and professional identity crisis, is JUST TO FREAKING RELAX. I think it's a good solution really. Especially when written in capital letters all over my apartment in dry erase marker...on my bathroom mirror, my refrigerator, the board in my bedroom. JUST FREAKING RELAX. My new mantra.
I've decided that there is no clear path. In anything. Otherwise what would be the point? This whole life thing is supposed to be a big adventure. And while we often have an idea of how it's supposed to go, rarely does it turn out that way. I'm happy for my friends that will have master's degrees and be doctors in whatever. And I am absolutely keeping my thoughts open to doing the same eventually. But I'm leaving that equation, that checklist, that says my life will only be complete if I've completed a doctoral dissertation by the time I'm 30. I still won't be a great writer by then anyway (especially if I keep slacking on my journaling and blogging).

Plus, I have found something really great this year. My heightened passion and excitement around everything Volleyball has surprised and invigorated me. I don't get up at 5 a.m. for anything, but I find myself relatively easily getting out of bed for early morning practices. I look forward to coaching, teaching, analyzing, planning, scouting. I've always had at least a luke-warm like for the sport, especially when I was playing. That almost-passion had diminished over the last couple years as I was coaching out of necessity to pay the rent and I had no ownership or responsibility for what was going on. It is my feeling (although the coaches with whom I worked disagree) that I filled a spot on the court and had no role in the minds and hearts of the girls I was teaching.

Now, at Manogue and Northern Nevada Juniors, I feel totally responsible for the challenges and successes that my girl enjoy. I feel like it matters if I show up. And I feel happy when I leave the gym at night. Refreshed. Excited. Lighthearted. These feelings tell me that this is something that I should really hold on to.

Plus, since somehow I've found myself in this amazing situation with Jason and KatiJo (the Three Coaching Musketeers of sorts), there is so much more that is open to me. Jason's absurd and never-ending connections to people in the national volleyball community are boundless. There are opportunities to write for Volleyball Magazine, to work for FIVB, and attend camps and practices with the men's and women's national teams. I think that, somehow, even though my conceived "life path" hasn't revealed itself, another door has opened and I have walked through to find a whole other set of wonderful opportunities. And there is no reason for that not to be more than OK, fantastic even!

with Karch Kiraly at AVCA Convention in Tampa, Flor.

So career, bill-paying stuff aside, 2009 has still been a topsy turvy kind of year. The relationship realm has been turned upside down. To break up with Brian was a heart-breaking decision, and though I know it was the right decision, it was and is still extraordinarily difficult. There was a point when I knew for sure that Brian and I would get married and have two children and a Great Dane and Hank and be happy. So again with the life path clarity stuff...not so much.

The only negative thing that I even remotely regret about the kind of relationship I had with Brian is that I came out of it with hardly any friends. This whole concept of friendship is completely elusive to me now as I've realized that I am a great girlfriend but a hideous friend. (At this point I'd like a sidenote to thank Parisa and Dana, my great long-distance friends who, when we do talk, the conversation never skips a beat and I know that we will always be friends. I'd like also to thank Michelle, my great, great friend, who is one of the few who is in close geographical proximity to me and who I have yet to drive away with my flakiness. There are a few other, newer friends—Annie, Virginia, Skyler, Jenn, KJ—who I can't wait to get closer to and who should also be recognized for their patience and understanding thus far).

Clockwise from top left: Parisa, Michelle, Brenna, Michelle and Virginia, Annie, Junior and Dana

Basically, I let all of my friendships go by the wayside when I was with Brian because all of my energy went to him. This is, by the way, not at all his fault, nor mine, but rather the result of being 17 and in a serious relationship and waking up to be 24 to see how things have turned out.

I'm sure that the ending of some of these friendships were timely and natural, just the probable drifting apart of friends whose impact on the other has run out. But I felt so devastated this holiday season when I knew that they were all at home reconnecting with each other and spending time creating new memories...and none of them even thought to call me. Again, this is not their fault, but is only my own as I am responsible for losing touch, drifting apart, and losing value as a friend for them.

So here I am, starting a new year, with these sorts of reflection on my mind. I am not friendless, but am not happy with the relationships in my life. I need to be a much better friend to the people whom I care about (notice the complete absence of the word resolution). I need to stay in closer touch and be there for them as they have been there for me.

As for the whole alone thing. I would like to really take advantage of the opportunity to be with myself and get to know who that is. I feel the urge to flee back into the arms of another relationship in order to avoid this new and unsettling feeling of solo-ness. I would like to stay aware and alert to the fact that, just maybe, I may like being alone.

And, there are a few exciting things on the docket for the year, which I would like to enter into with the most positive and open of attitudes:

1. Turning 25. Fuck. (There goes my positive and open attitude)
2. Having a wonderful club season with NNJ, and continuing to be open to more opps that this volleyball thing has to offer.
3. The World Cup Internship in South Africa, May through July. How lucky am I that I am still in a place where I can take advantage of such opportunities? This will prove to be an amazing experience indeed.
4. Family. My family drives me up a wall, but they are some of the best people in the world. I am especially looking forward to the little ones, Addy who will be 8, Eden who will be 4, and Lena who will be 3.
5. Writing. Period.

I believe that this completes my year-end reflection. If I were to make a resolution it would be to write more. But I won't, because I know that P Joon Roo will be on my ass to keep me going, and I'm hoping to find a little internal motivation of my own:)

There's no place like Oz...

I can't believe that I'm spending time on a computer while I'm in Brisbane, but I think there's something to be said for writing about something while you're in the thich of a situation. There's nothing more frustrating that trying to recreate a feeling that you had in a place once you're out of it. It just doesn't work. That's my justification and I'm sticking to it. So what if I checked warfish and facebook?

My visit so far has been perfect. Relaxed to the max. I arrived Wednesday morning at about 11 a.m., after nearly 24 hours or travel from San Fran-->Sydney-->Brisbane. I was pretty tuckered on the cab ride to New Farm...so much so that I hardly perked up when the jovial Indian guy started pointing out all the good restaurants and nightclubs.

I found the keys that P had left for me and immediately settled into their apartment. It's adorable, a little studio in a perfect location with full bath, kitchen and dark hardwood floors. The vaulted ceilings and white paint give it a roomy feel, plus all the light doesn't hurt either. I grabbed a bite to eat, showered and took a nap. Parisa got home from work at about 6 p.m., and we immediately set to work catching up. It's an automatic routine with us...hug hello, quick chit chat about the flight etc., then before we know it we dive in and completely purge ourselves of all or most of the dirty secrets we've hidden from the world since our previous visit.

Mom asked me on the way down to San Fran what I most enjoy about my friendship with P. I told her that I enjoy our conversation because there's no bullshit. Parisa literally knows everything about me: my dirty habits, my nasty and ugly tendencies, my faults and fears. And she still wants to be friends.

So after about an hour of exhaustive conversation, we took a walk to Brunswick St. to get some pizzas. Kolya got home shortly after we did. His energy is ridiculous. The way he smiles when he talks about things, especially their new life in Australia, is completely contagious. I swear, if he was into it, he could get me excited about poking splintered pieces of wood under my fingernails. He is kicking ass with a sales and marketing team....a face-to-face salesman knocking on people's doors and spreading awareness about cheap, clean energy. It's pretty much a perfect job for him---evidenced by his big win as a rookie, where he did so well that they company gave him a new iPod and a free sky dive.

Sweeney Todd saw us off to sleep, and before I knew it Kol and I were enjoying breakfast together and accidentally waking Parisa up with our guffaws. He was explaining the popular Jugger community to me-think Role Models-and I was laughing like a freakin' hyena and trying to prevent my cereal from coming out of my nose.

Parisa and I had the day together to relax and do whatever. We made it into a quaint coffee house by about noon, where we spent the next two hours coming up with the best novel ideas of the next century. OK maybe decade. OK maybe year. But still they are really good, and I only hope that I can find the motivation to follow through with them with her.

We walked along the Brisbane River all the way downtown, past tons of riverside restaurants and bars. If I were rich this is where I would have my hangups. It'd be a different restaurant for every meal, food from a different region every day. We wound our way through the crowd and sidewalks, through a gorgeous outdoor mall. Super busy on a Thursday night---apparently the recession is hardly noticeable in Brisbane. There is so much building going on that it would appear that they're in the middle of an exploding economy.

The City Cat water taxi along the Brisbane River dropped us off after a quick ride from downtown to Sydney Street. The evening found us watching Casablanca, and before I knew it, somehow Kolya had come home and cooked a delicious meal. I swear, P, you are the luckiest girl ever. He cooks, he cleans, he plans trips, he handles finances well, he works, he laughs...I know we're not discussing some pricey retail item, but, man. He does it all!

Henrietta, knitting extraordinaire, stopped by for a visit. Parisa gave me my first knitting lesson (Mamy tried to show me how to crochet a few years ago, but for some reason it didn't take hold--possibly because she yelled at me and said that I have 12 left thumbs) and I am completely hooked. We spent the evening watching Harry Potter (warming up for when we see the new one on Sunday night) and knitting...

We had the most deliciously lazy day yesterday. Full of knitting, napping, writing and watching Pride and Prejudice. Who new Colin Firth could be so hot? I really don't think many people are as good at being lazy as P and I. No changing, no showers, no nothing. Just pure unadulterated laziness. Woot. We did make a good dinner for Kolya...A good bolognese sauce with pasta and salad. The on-going battle between myself and Kolya as to who is the best houseguest/host continues...he never lets me do dishes or cook or pay for anything or ANYTHING. But I've already managed to one-up him as I cooked dinner AND cleared the table the other night. How pathetic is it of me to be so excited about that!

Today I'm alone at the apartment, on my way out to explore. Think I will take a run to the river and hunt down the park K was telling me about with the circuit-training equipment. I've been horrible about eating well since I've been here...cookies and ice cream and pasta...Think I'll have to work it off all over again when I get home. But that's what vacation's all about, right?

Will write again with some actually useful observations about Oz. I am sure that everything I encounter will be agreeable! As for now, I am completely thrilled with the trip so far. I need to get some red sparkly kitten heels and click them a few times to come back here whenever I can!

It's been awhile

I have a feeling many of my future blogs (and possibly past blogs, too...I didn't check) are apt to have this title. I knew it had been some time since I'd last written, but I didn't think it'd been almost a month. Time flies when you're having fun, but also apparently when you're just living life day by day.
I leave for Australia in five days. I am, to say the very least, completely thrilled. At this point, it's more of a necessity than a blessing. It's been a year since I've been out of the country (I don't count Mexico) and I can feel it in my travel-bug riddled bones. Also seven months without having seen P and K isn't too long; however, the more frequent our visits get, the more frequent I want them to be. Honestly I may just shock them both and move to Oz and ruin their lives forever.
It's been a relaxing couple weeks here. Nothing really new. The Gathering Genius stuff will officially be over on Saturday (and not a day too soon). N taking over everything at Primary Image is a great relief because now I can come and go and enjoy it and not worry about leaving M and B hanging when I gallivant off to weird places. Manogue volleyball is going well---I wish I were as serious and committed as KJ and J...I am a bit of an outcast that way I think. But it's still a great learning experience and I hope I can pass off some knowledge to the girls and help them improve.
The nagging feeling of "what next" is becoming familiar. Like a dull toothache. You know the feeling is always there...a little ibuprofen makes it go away for a little while, but you know it will be there when you wake up the next morning. You hope for it to work itself out miraculously disappear one day...but you realize that you have to see someone and take the step to solving it before it will get any better. Unfortunately, no doctor or dentist can solve this problem for me. It's a big life-changing decision. Grad school? Career? Travel? Reno? Elsewhere? Boyfriend? Family? Arg.
I got my GRE textbooks to start studying, and have spent a grand total of probably 5 hours researching grad programs online. I have yet to feel a tug to reassure me that it's the right thing to do. I may never feel a tug though...there may never be an external signal of assurance that I've made a good decision. I just have to take the leap.
Now that G2 is over, though, the thought of not having a steady income is enough to scare the pants off anyone. I have some savings, but it's definitely not much and using it as rent money is not exactly what I've envisioned doing with it. I gotta get on Craigslist and see if anyone's looking to pay someone like me for writing, reading, 'rithmetic, whatever.
In the meantime, I only have four more workouts before I leave for Oz. No results as of yet that I can see. B tells me he can see/feel a difference, but I'm pretty sure he has to say that. All I really care about right now is that I feel better. A ton better. I may actually wear a swimsuit when I go snorkeling in Australia...

Desiderata

by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

The Almost Blog

I have almost written a bunch of different blogs this week, but didn't quite get around to getting inspired to start or finish any of them. Here are some of the things going though my crazy mind this week:
1) Sometimes I wish someone would just congratulate me and give me a prize for being a semi-functioning pseudo-adult. I think I should get an award for being able to go grocery shopping, care for others, and not let myself sink into unhealthy oblivion.
2) Honesty is a weird thing. When to be honest, when to spare feelings, when to give a much-needed wake-up call. I've decided that most of them time it can be really hard to be honest with the people that we love, but that we usually suck it up and do it because it's best. I've also realized that I don't take care of myself nearly as well as I take care of others, and thus are not honest with myself about crucial things. I have to keep an eye on this...
3) There are so many amazing people in this world that can affect our lives with just the smallest touch/word/look/conversation. I am so grateful to everyone in the world who has had an impact on me, whether it was Laroba the fried-egg sandwich maker in Ghana, Connie the MSW who helped me relax and look at life as an adventure, that girl in the painting on the Gs wall who reminds me that I have it so good, or the countless other people who have made me stop and think and consider something in a different way. The crappy thing is that there is no way to thank them all.
4) My grandmother is around. She passed away Dec. 11, 2007, but she is definitely here with me today. Somehow. I had a very intense dream last night, and her name must have come up nearly ten times today. What I am supposed to get out of this I don't know. But I miss her. A lot.
5) I want to go to Australia. Now.
6) I decided to apply to grad schools and take the GRE this year. Now I just need to learn how to reduce fractions for the test and figure out a program that sounds interesting. or two. or three.
7) For some reason, the negatives in life are easier. It is easier to be mad, sad, grumpy, annoyed, judgmental and insecure. It is harder to be happy. But dammit, I'm going to try.
8) Post-exercise endorphins are not to be underestimated. They are addicting.
9) It freaks me out that I don't know where I want to be in five years. It also freaks me out that the thought of having a real career, an 8a.m.-5 p.m.-50-week-a-year job is the most unappealing thing in the world. Aren't I supposed to want something like that? Isn't that where I'm supposed to find some purpose?
10) I would rather keep my beat up ol' Suzuki than get a new car. Even at 14 years old, with no A/C, shitty sound system and a behemoth of a crack in the windshield, it's better to me than an impersonal strange set of wheels. We've got history, and she hasn't died on my yet (not really, anyway).
11) I am picky about friends. This is dangerous because I'm pretty positive that I am a hard person to really like and love and get to know, and this will likely translate to having few friends through life. If the previous five years or so are any marker, I will hopefully continue to be blessed the strong friendships that I have.
11) I would like to look into the possibility of playing volleyball in grad school.
12) For some reason on this new eating regime I've adopted, i crave sweets more than bread and pasta, and I'm infamous for not having a sweet tooth. Weird.
13) I want to go to Australia. Now.
14) The uneasy feeling of insecurity and unfamiliarity in the work place is a good sign, but is, nevertheless, insecure and unfamiliar. I'm waiting to feel like I know what I'm doing at Manogue. I hope it comes quickly.
15) I need to write more. Much, much more.
16) We are all responsible for our own happiness, and can't expect ourselves to create happiness for anyone else. It will only drag us down.
17) I read Desiderata every morning. It helps a lot. Look for it in the next blog.

Life's not perfect...but it's pretty dang good

I've been slackin' on the blog front lately. Last week was pretty intense—my first week of working out and eating well, Pierre moving in with all his stuff before he heads to Oz in three weeks, trying to clear the head space and focus on some really positive personal stuff (and not so much on some really stressful relationship stuff), etc. etc. Excuses, excuses, I know :)
Despite the fact that I haven't been flexing my writing muscles, I am in a great space. It's really amazing how much better I feel after just a week of healthy active living/eating. This is the first time I've felt such an expansive and intense support system around me to encourage me to take care of myself. Deirdre, Luke, Joey, Mike and everyone at the club have been more than helpful and fun and good-humored and excited. The family, as always is supportive. And B of course is, as always, more supportive than I could hope for.
So after three workouts and five days of eating well, I feel great. How amazing would it be for me to be able to be in Australia in July and feel pseudo-comfy in a bathing suit? What a concept!
Today, though I faltered a bit. I went to the VCHS graduation to see Sophie, Cambria, Jake and others go through their ceremony. I caught myself in bitch mode, wondering why it seemed to be such a big deal. Then I remembered how important my HS grad was to me—how stressed I was about everything being perfect...the ceremony, the speech, the afterparty, etc. So it was nice to just soak up the moment and feel pride in my friends who have opened a new chapter in their lives.
The party with the Glos was fantastic. S and T sang together, and aped around like chimps. It was great to meet the extended T and D families: sisters, brothers, sons and daughters. S could have a huge party with just her first cousins and call it good. I felt pretty honored to be there, plus it was relaxing and very chill.
I find my eyes closing as i write this, so I apologize if it's not coherent. I'll write more in the next day or two and will hopefully be a bit more direct organized and clear. Happy almost Sunday to everyone ;)

New hotness

Brendan James' voice blows my mind, not to mention his lyrics....

"All I Can See"

I want to walk through this doorway

I want to open my mind

I want to pledge my allegiance to all I can find

I want a car that will crash through the barrier

to a road no one knows

I want to feel less control more abandon

I want to land far from home

The revolution of the earth around the sun

is a perfect lesson of how it should be

So if I can I'll learn to journey and return

to never rest til I've seen all I can see

I want to learn a completely new language

One I don't understand

I want to help someone lost someone helpless

With the strength of my hands

I want to come to the base of a statue built before they counted the years

and there I'll fall with my face in my hands and cry 

and feel their hopes in my tears

The revolution of the earth around the sun

is a perfect lesson of how it should be

So if I can I'll learn to journey and return

to never rest til I've seen all I can see

Train rides and pastures colliding, colors and customs I've never seen

I know I, yes I know I, I know I will stumble but time is precious my friend

For those who journey can easily understand the more they see the more they'll learn

the more that they can be

so this I swear to you, and this I swear to me

I'll never rest 'til I've seen all I can see

No I'll never rest 'til I've seen all I can see

I want to know where the strength of a person lies

In their past or their future

Is it in the way they they hurt or they love themselves, or is it all an illusion

I want to crawl from this skin that I'm painted in body please let it give

I want to find the creator of all good things and ask what it means to live. 

"Hero's Song"

Here I am in the desert again

A compass and a weapon 

a lost American

I started out with a simple plan and a locket in my hand

But the sun's so unforgiving and the wind so hard to stand

Fall out fall out with the rest of your brothers

With the rest of your sisters

Heroes on the line

And carry out what your leader says

for what his leader says is that his leader says this is right for the people

No one will ever understand why thousands of beautiful healthy young statues must fall

Smoke and explosion surround me

a flood of hate it drowns me

I cannot live this way, no I can not live with

Doubt and confusion they find me they run up right behind me

I cannot die this way, no I can not die this way

In the water in the sand is the blood of a culture

is the blood of an ancient people in whose holy war I stand

I hear the world like a cannon roar say I can't win this war

But I promise them this is not what I signed up for

No one will ever understand why thousands of beautiful healthy young statues must fall

Smoke and explosion surround me

a flood of hate it drowns me

I cannot live this way, no I can not live with

Doubt and confusion they find me they run up right behind me

I cannot die this way, no I can not die this way

No one will ever understand why thousands of beautiful healthy young soldiers must fall

Smoke and explosion surround me

a flood of hate it drowns me

I cannot live this way, no I can not live with

Doubt and confusion they find me they run up right behind me

I cannot die this way, no I can not die this way

***Seriously. Do yourself a favor and listen to this guy.***

The Plunge

Yep. I'm taking it. THE PLUNGE. Let me  back up a couple of days to orient you to where my readiness to take The Plunge begins. This will, in turn, allow me a process through which I can actually explain what The Plunge is, and the ways that I am going to take the leap into it. 

I went to Seattle on Saturday. The purpose of the trip was to visit my great friend Michelle, who has been, for all intents and purposes, my rock since we met and began our friendship somewhere around the Fall of 2007. She is the most level-headed, calm and confident woman I know, and has the uncanny ability to transfer those qualities to whomever she's talking to or working with. Needless to say, since the beginning of March or so, I have been in great need of her guidance, reflective assistance, and insight. 

I have been extraordinarily subdued and even more introspective than usual these last few months. Something about graduating from college with no plans as to a subsequent step combined with going through a really rough patch in a couple of different relationships (romantic and platonic) has really thrown me for a loop. I have felt lost, underwhelmed, uninspired, and just plain gray and foggy. There has been haze. Lots of haze. 

Most notable of all in this struggle has been an unwillingness or disinterest in finding out and following through with the things that make me happy. I have spent too much time aimlessly searching the web, tracking people down on s/n sites and stalking their pages (come on, you do it, too), sleeping and eating crappy food. I have definitely not spent nearly enough time doing the things that make me happy: reading, writing, exercising, keeping in real contact with loved ones through letters or phone calls (i.e. Facebook messages do not count), or leading an even pseudo-active lifestyle. 

My questions before I went to Seattle were: Who's fault is this? Is this B's fault? Can I blame him for my unhappiness? Do we have to break up? What is keeping me from doing the things that are good for me? What is it in my brain that wants me to be unhappy? Why am I making myself destined to fail? 

Enter Michelle. Together, we spent three days going through all my shit. My heavy emotions, my uncertainties, pinpointing target issues, identifying what I want and what I don't, my habits–good and bad—my hopes and dreams and desires and fears and short- and long-term goals. 

Yes. She is a badass. And we did lots of other fun and amazing things to, but this is not my "What I did in Seattle" blog. That will come later. 

With her help, I realized that I was projecting all my negative energy at B, blaming a lot of my shit on him, and was close to unfairly and prematurely shutting down an awesome relationship because I was too blind/stubborn/tunnel visioned/chicken shit to realize that I have a ton of stuff to work on. 

The good news is that I have a great idea of what I want to do, the kind of person I want to be, and the things that are necessary to do and be to get me there. And I think I can do it all in the context of our relationship. The other great thing is I think he can get some time in to work on his own happiness/healthiness, too. 

Now, enter T.P. 

Because now, all I have to do is do it. Take The Plunge. Stop making excuses. Commit to being the best version of myself. Find out what makes me happy and healthy. And do it. 

So here's my list. My Plunge. My commitments and goals that will help me do this. 

1. Sleep 8 hours a night (not 10 or 12).

2. Work on the computer only for work and for the occasional blogging or emailing. Basically, spend as little time on it as possible.

3. Read books instead of watching shows on abc.com.

4. Journal.

5. Cook.

6. Work out regularly. Thanks to Luke and Joey at CCVBC, I am now committed to two days a week of intense physical activity. On top of this, I'd like to do something active everyday, whether it's take a walk, go on a jog, a hike, go to the park, whatever. 

7. Eat what's good for me, not what will taste good for 30 seconds and then make me feel like a bloated corpulent swine.

8. Keep my apartment clean. Keep up with laundry and vacuuming, and don't let shit pile up on my counter. 

9. Go through my belongings and shitcan what I don't need. The fact that I have effortlessly filled a 2-bedroom apartment with stuff disgusts me. I need to get rid of it. 

10. Be gentle with myself. Be as respectful of myself as I would be to those whom I love most dearly. 

11. Spend time alone. Because 7 days a week with B is great. But I would be doing myself a huge favor to split the time up and take care of myself, too. 

That's it. I'm doing it. Right now. 

On my way to Sea-Town

Woohoo!!!  How excited am I? It's my friend Michelle's birthday today, so I took the opportunity to use our close-together birthdays as an excuse to get out of town for a couple of days. Actually, five days. Which I shouldn't be counting so closely, but when you can get out of Reno, you gotta appreciate every second that you get. 

Plans are to spend many, many hours catching up with Mich and getting to know her friends and the life she's created up there. I'm so stoked to refresh our friendship after six months or so of not seeing one another. You all know I'm notoriously hideous at keeping up with phone calls, so I'm amazed she'll even still welcome me into her house!

My aunt, uncle and baby girl cousin are also coming in from the eastern part of the state to hang out for dinner and maybe a picnic. Can't wait to see them. Aunt Lisa is also so grounding, so affirming, so reassuring. I am so looking forward to that kind of energy right now. 

Hope also to get in a cup of coffee with Mr. Zammit, Brian's best friend and all-around wonderful guy. I wonder if he's playing at all this weekend, because that would be great to see him. It's been a long time since the Uncut/Malfoy days. 

Speaking of Malfoy, did everyone see the new HP trailer? I'm going to be in Oz when it comes out, so P, that's one thing we can tack up on our to-do list!

Sorry, most random rapid fire blog ever. Gotta do some quick shopping and pack before my afternoon flight. Have a great Memorial Day!

Workin' it out

Several times over the last six months, I have had an overwhelming feeling of sadness when thinking about how my last living situation worked out. This has intensified over the last few days; every time I have a birthday I reflect on who I spend it with—who I want to spend time with versus who I really don't want to spend time with. I've been running the last months that we all lived together through my head over and over again, trying to figure out when the communication broke down completely and how I became the total odd-man-out. Did I do something horrible that I don't remember? Am I completely unbearable to live with? Had our friendships run their courses? I can't for the life of me arrive at any kind of solid conclusion. I'm thinkin' either A) they both were incredibly patient on the outside but on the inside really hated Hank and it got to be too much (this is entirely possible since he is a huge pain in the ass), B) they got sick of my mood swings and quietness (12 credits, an honors thesis and two jobs is likely to take a bit of the wind out your sails), or C) they hated Brian, or my consistent reflecting and advice-requesting on our relationship. Likely it's secret option letter D) a combination of all these things.
As I'm putting this all down in front of me, I realize that there was decent reason for them to be sick of me and happy to be rid of me and move on to a happy life together. I can't blame them for pulling away, or letting me pull away, or not being the first to take a step to improve the communication. On the other hand though, I am a bit indignant. I am still angry/stung/hurt at the fact that there were no graduation well-wishes, no acknowledgement that the intensity of my semester and previous five years had paid off. And after writing everything above, if any of the letter options do account for the fact that we are no longer friends, I wish they would have told me that I was bothering them so much that there was a possibility, even a liklihood, that we would no longer be friends.
I don't absolve myself of the responsibilty either. I was too proud/indignant/hurt/in denial to make the first move to resolve any communication problems. And I did make the decision to move out on my own and separate from the arrangement as it had been for the previous 18 months (although I'm sure that made everyone happy).
So what to do now? It's been six months with no talk, no texts, no fb or myspace messages, no tweets. And I'm having a hard time letting it go. I have dreams, memories etc about the girls, even the dogs. I've been considering writing an email and just letting them know that I miss them and that if they're interested in a friendship then I'd be thrilled. But for some reason I'm scared. Of getting shut out I guess. Maybe our relationship really did run its course for them, maybe they got everything out of me that i could give them. Most of me still really doesn't want to be the vulnerable one, since I am still really hurt and angry at the way things ended.
Anyway, I guess the point of this is just to work it out...to straighten things up in my head and come to some acceptance or some place of understanding. If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it. I have the sneaking suspicion though that this is one of those things I'm going to have to let go of and get over. Which I'm horrible at. Eek.

"What if this is as good as it gets?"

This line from the great Nicholson/Hunt/Kinnear film has been stuck in my head. (I promise not to begin every blog with a quote from a television show or a movie—but sometimes they just pop in there...what are you going to do?) Jack delivers it perfectly, and whoever staged that scene was brilliant; the question is asked in the waiting room of a psychiatrist's office...and it is pretty clear that the idea that this is, in fact, as good as it gets, terrifies the occupants inside.

But what if it is? Despite all its ups and downs and twists and turns and my best efforts to make it otherwise, life is damn good. I am a lucky, lucky girl to have been afforded the experiences I have and to be able to do all the things I do (whatever they may be). While I recognize this, I am still stuck on this question. Is this it? Is there more? If it is this good now, what would it feel like to be more excitedstimulatedpassionateintenseconfidentandfree? I have an inkling that it is not possible that I've experience all the placespeopleculturessubjects in the world. I turn 24 on Wednesday, and I realize that there has to be more than this.

The only constant in life is change...

Did you see that Friends episode, the one where they all make New Years resolutions? Monica teases Rachel about not following through on the one she made the year before, and runs to get a journal from Rachel's room. Monica reads the first entry—"Dear Diary, I am so excited to write in you everyday! I promise that I'm going to fill you up! I'll see you tomorrow!" Then she flips through all the empty pages in the book and says, "See? Nothin'!"

Returning to this blog reminded me of that episode, since I haven't written since that first day and thought that if I didn't do it today I wouldn't do it at all. I've heard it takes 14 days to create a habit, and twice as long to break a bad one. I'll play it safe, and hope that after 24 more entries this will get easier.

I suppose the hard part is not actually writing, but is rather accepting that once you start it will just sort of happen. I don't necessarily need to look for a topic, or a lead or a nutgraph for that matter. I just need to sit down and let my fingers move over the keys and feel the words as they come out through the cursor and onto the screen. This is what P would suggest anyway, and she knows best!

My best friend, a man who is practically my brother, proposed to his girlfriend yesterday. She said yes, somewhere on a boat in Boston Harbor ( I think—I haven't quite gotten the details about it as they left this a.m. bright and early for Costa Rica to see her family). I'm absolutely thrilled for them as they are quite possibly two of the most intelligent, thoughtful, funny and beautiful people I know.

Naturally, being me I automatically apply this situation to my life and send myself into a long tail-spin reflection...long enough to last me the drive from Sac to Reno. When Nevada gets married, what does that mean for me? Are people my age, who I have grown up with, even old enough to be engaged at this point? I feel like a lot of us are still trying to remove the pacifiers from our mouths. Don't get me wrong, if anyone is meant to be married and share a life, it's those two. I guess it just really freaks me out that we're of that age where we can start making those kinds of commitments, and eventually make people and stuff!

In the midst of my hesitation to accept this fact that people my age are getting married (I hardly feel old enough to walk across the street alone), I was surprised to realize that I have been in a serious relationship for 6 years. What the heck have I been doing? Where do I think this is going? After six years, a break up, an apartment, a house, and a cat together, where do I think this is headed if not down Marriage Way? We talk about it, make playful plans for the future, and loosely consider the other to be the shadowy figure at our side in all our future fantasies. But I have to be honest that the thought of actually making that commitment really caught me in a state of hesitancy. Or maybe more like a state of run-as-fast-as- you-can-in-the-other-direction.

I'm not sure if this is because of the person I'm with, or because of the person I am, or a combination of the two. All I know is that, while I could not be happier for my friends, the idea of making a REAL commitment scares the hell out of me. It's more than a 'let me cook for you sometimes and you'll help me clean my apartment and we can go see movies together a lot' kind of relationship. It's a real, 'you're the only one and let's have kids' kind of relationship. EEK. I am definitely not there yet.

Franklin would say I'm insane

Well, thanks to my dear friend P Roo, who knows how to manipulate me into doing what's best for myself more than most people, I am back at the blogging. I've tried multiple times over the last nine years to do this with any sort of regularity (even irregularity can still in some ways be regular...but generally I can't even muster up that much consistency). Blogging to me is much like trying to lose weight, eat right, keep in touch with people from far away, etc. I'll be really good at it for, like, a week. And then a year later I realize that I dropped the ball...and I'll decide to try again. This is why good ol' Benji Franklin (among others) would say that I'm insane/crazy/loca/folle whathaveyou. I'm great at trying things again and again and expecting that they will somehow turn out better, or at least different.
Despite my reluctance, I'm feeling a twinge of excitement at starting up again. Your guess is as good as mine as to whether or not this is the time that it will actually stick. Do you like the way that I absolve myself of all responsibility, like I don't actually have a choice in the matter? I'm really good at that, as you'll see in subsequent posts. Most of the time I wish I didn't believe in free will so that destiny could just make all of my decisions for me and force me to fill my proper role in this world. Wouldn't that be nice?
Of course, this desire to take a backseat in the decision-making of my own life may stem from my current situation. Post-undergrad (semi-recent—Dec. 2008—though long enough ago to have to stop making the "I'm still adjusting" excuse), pre-grad school and career, early-to-mid 20s (in 15 days I will be 24!), and not a clue what the next step will be. Travel? Peace Corps? Working in the non-profit world? Coaching volleyball for the rest of my life? Writing a book? I am everywhere, and I am nowhere. All options are open.
Which brings be back to the excitement aspect of blogging again, and actually, of my life in general. You'll find that I switch off and on like electricity in west Africa; one moment I feel dried out, void of energy and inspiration (these are they days when I sleep 12 hours, wake up to eat, watch TV, and return to bed to nap). The next I feel motivated, driven, ready to grab the world by the horns...as it were (these are the days when I sleep 12 hours, wake up to eat, watch TV, and return to bed to nap, but feel really good about it).
I hope that through writing regularly again I can find some insight into myself and life in general. I hope that I can start to realize what makes me really happy, and that I can muster up the will power to follow through with those things. Regardless, this blog should serve as a (hopefully humorous) chronology of my efforts...and with any luck, will help me grow and learn and laugh. Which is, at the end of any day, what I hope I am always able to do.