I am rereading these blogs from years ago. Eight years ago I wrote a blog here referencing Jack Nicholson's great character Melvin Udahl's desperate question, "what if this is as good as it gets?" First of all I can't believe that was eight years ago. Simply can't believe it. I was about to turn 24. Now, I am about to turn 32, tomorrow in fact. I turned 24 in 2009...which, in retrospect, was a huge year for me. Everything in my life changed that year for the better. I wish I could go back to that version of me and tell myself that what I was feeling was right. There IS more to this life. Things CAN be different, and better. And just because I was lucky and grateful and fortunate then doesn't mean that I had to settle for things being a certain way.
And thank god I didn't. My life was already moving in a different direction, though, while I may have had a hunch, I didn't quite realize it at the time.
Later that year, I went to Australia to visit Kolya and Parisa. My six-year relationship with BJW ended in October, and Jason asked me to start Northern Nevada Juniors Volleyball Club with him that September. It was suppose to be a temporary gig, something that would see me through my grad school applications and eventual acceptance.
Fast forward eight years and here is where/what/who I am:
-32
-fiancée to Jason Sterrett, to be married Nov. 18 this year. This partnership brings me unending love, support, stability, and belly laughs.
-step-mom to Jenna and Sofia (something that even at its most terrifying moments is one of the great gifts of my life)
-assistant director/manager/partner in NNJ Volleyball, a 1+ million dollar company that helps in the athletic and personal development of more than 500 girls a year.
-in Reno, and happy to be
-happy in general. No more feelings of "is this as good as it gets?"
-part of a pretty good group of community. Fun, motivated, driven, like-minded.
-one-quarter of the Cirac nuclear family, which brings to me a constant source of humor, strength, and friendship.
-still overweight and non-masters degree'd. These are the two areas that need work.
Rationally I think one knows that a lot can change in a short amount of time. But there's something very poignant in reading your own writing and reflection, and having the ability and gift of hindsight to appreciate where you've been and where you are. The recurring theme: damn I'm lucky.
5.19.2017
5/16/17
There have been multiple times in the last couple of days where my jumbled inner monologue has startled awake into a clear moment of "holy shit how luckyhappygrateful am I?"
I don't say this to brag; rather to note it in a permanent forum which I can go back and read at any time. I often have a difficult time keeping perspective and realizing that my issues are often small, manageable, and mildly insignificant. This week has reminded me that there are very few things out there that should shake me from the strength and confidence I should take from such happiness and stability in my life.
Back to the recap of the week: Tuesday was a powerful and poignant day on all fronts. We woke early planning to walk from our hotel, the Marriott Marquis on 45th, to the 9/11 Memorial in the Financial District. The bellhop scoffed at us and put us in a cab for the three-mile ride (which Brenna would later say she walks all the time and maybe the bellhop gets a kickback from the cabbie?). We arrived at 180 Greenwich Street at 7:30, 20 minutes before our tour opened. We walked along the pools, and then over to Church St and to Trinity Church in search of Duane Reed for some Zicam. We bought a smoothie at a cart and walked back to the memorial for our tour.
For anyone who hasn't toured the memorial, do it right now. At your next possible opportunity. And take the 8:15 am guided tour, with Patrick if you can. It allows you entrance to the museum 45 minutes before it's open to the public, and the quiet and stillness of your time there adds a lot to the poignance of the experience. The huge blue wall is overpowering, with 2,700 water color tiles, each a square block and all a different shade of blue to signify the individual lives lost in the coordinated attacks of 9/11 and the six who died in the WTC attack in 1993. And you hear about the footprints of the towers, but you don't realize what that means until you're standing underground between them. Holding space with the original slurry wall, the final piece to be removed from debris pile, an elevator motor and piece of the north tower's antenna, and the fire truck from ladder 3, the crew of which were the first on scene and none of whom survived. The tour is overwhelming, sadness- and anger-inciting, and somehow it still breeds hope.
We took a much-needed walk through a Battery Park and east along the water, and even considered a helicopter ride. Somehow $1200 for a 15-minute experience didn't seem worth it. After making it to the Brooklyn Bridge and nearly walking underneath it, we decided to grab a cab up to Rockefeller Center. Introducing Kofi the Ghanaian cab driver! I knew within seconds he was from Ghana, and the fortune of my international travel experience is never lost on me. Kofi grew up in Cape Coast, and though I said I'd been there, he insisted on showing me photos on his phone while we ripped through the Lower East Side. He seemed happy to meet someone who knew of his home, and I was so grateful for the excuse to remember a big time in my life. He asked if I ate fufuo and red-red and groundnuts and the whole thing. It was perfect---and made even better by his distaste for Trump's administration. "If you are my neighbor, and we share a three-foot fence, and I don't like the way you look from your kitchen window through my kitchen window, and I want a bigger fence, that is up to me to pay for!" At the suggestion that maybe fences aren't necessary at all, he looked at me like only a Ghanaian could, and said, "well, you and I know that, but clearly he doesn't understand it at all."
Together we talked/vilified Trump as we passed the UN and eventually made it to Rockefeller Center.
After a quick lunch of lobster rolls and chowder, we took a quick nap at the hotel and then headed on a 45-minute cab ride to travel the five miles to Nev and Bre's place in Greenpoint. I can't discuss every detail of the visit here because I simply can't do it justice. The important bits I want to take away are: the apartment is lovely, the neighborhood is fabulous, Paulie Gee's pizza was delicious and he skis at Alpine/N Star, we had a drink on the fabulous Barge Bar, and we enjoyed wine on the rooftop terrace that overlooks the Manhattan skyline. All of these things are incredible, but most incredible is the relationship I am so lucky to have with these two beautiful people. Even more lucky is the fact that J and Brenna seem to be kindred spirits and have a natural ease of talking about how they view the world and the people in it. Brenna is a true role model to me, and I'm amazed each time we visit at how easy our connection is. Nevada is honestly my oldest friend, and a true one at that. I used to wonder if we were only connected through our shared history and families, but with each visit I become more confident that we have formed a true friendship separate of those ideas. I truly feel comfortable and open with them, for which I am grateful as we all know that it's not the way I often move through the world. Maybe it's an indicator that my closest friends live far away---perhaps I'm intolerable in close proximity, but I am beyond happy and grateful for these two in my life, however I can get them.
I don't say this to brag; rather to note it in a permanent forum which I can go back and read at any time. I often have a difficult time keeping perspective and realizing that my issues are often small, manageable, and mildly insignificant. This week has reminded me that there are very few things out there that should shake me from the strength and confidence I should take from such happiness and stability in my life.
Back to the recap of the week: Tuesday was a powerful and poignant day on all fronts. We woke early planning to walk from our hotel, the Marriott Marquis on 45th, to the 9/11 Memorial in the Financial District. The bellhop scoffed at us and put us in a cab for the three-mile ride (which Brenna would later say she walks all the time and maybe the bellhop gets a kickback from the cabbie?). We arrived at 180 Greenwich Street at 7:30, 20 minutes before our tour opened. We walked along the pools, and then over to Church St and to Trinity Church in search of Duane Reed for some Zicam. We bought a smoothie at a cart and walked back to the memorial for our tour.
For anyone who hasn't toured the memorial, do it right now. At your next possible opportunity. And take the 8:15 am guided tour, with Patrick if you can. It allows you entrance to the museum 45 minutes before it's open to the public, and the quiet and stillness of your time there adds a lot to the poignance of the experience. The huge blue wall is overpowering, with 2,700 water color tiles, each a square block and all a different shade of blue to signify the individual lives lost in the coordinated attacks of 9/11 and the six who died in the WTC attack in 1993. And you hear about the footprints of the towers, but you don't realize what that means until you're standing underground between them. Holding space with the original slurry wall, the final piece to be removed from debris pile, an elevator motor and piece of the north tower's antenna, and the fire truck from ladder 3, the crew of which were the first on scene and none of whom survived. The tour is overwhelming, sadness- and anger-inciting, and somehow it still breeds hope.
We took a much-needed walk through a Battery Park and east along the water, and even considered a helicopter ride. Somehow $1200 for a 15-minute experience didn't seem worth it. After making it to the Brooklyn Bridge and nearly walking underneath it, we decided to grab a cab up to Rockefeller Center. Introducing Kofi the Ghanaian cab driver! I knew within seconds he was from Ghana, and the fortune of my international travel experience is never lost on me. Kofi grew up in Cape Coast, and though I said I'd been there, he insisted on showing me photos on his phone while we ripped through the Lower East Side. He seemed happy to meet someone who knew of his home, and I was so grateful for the excuse to remember a big time in my life. He asked if I ate fufuo and red-red and groundnuts and the whole thing. It was perfect---and made even better by his distaste for Trump's administration. "If you are my neighbor, and we share a three-foot fence, and I don't like the way you look from your kitchen window through my kitchen window, and I want a bigger fence, that is up to me to pay for!" At the suggestion that maybe fences aren't necessary at all, he looked at me like only a Ghanaian could, and said, "well, you and I know that, but clearly he doesn't understand it at all."
Together we talked/vilified Trump as we passed the UN and eventually made it to Rockefeller Center.
After a quick lunch of lobster rolls and chowder, we took a quick nap at the hotel and then headed on a 45-minute cab ride to travel the five miles to Nev and Bre's place in Greenpoint. I can't discuss every detail of the visit here because I simply can't do it justice. The important bits I want to take away are: the apartment is lovely, the neighborhood is fabulous, Paulie Gee's pizza was delicious and he skis at Alpine/N Star, we had a drink on the fabulous Barge Bar, and we enjoyed wine on the rooftop terrace that overlooks the Manhattan skyline. All of these things are incredible, but most incredible is the relationship I am so lucky to have with these two beautiful people. Even more lucky is the fact that J and Brenna seem to be kindred spirits and have a natural ease of talking about how they view the world and the people in it. Brenna is a true role model to me, and I'm amazed each time we visit at how easy our connection is. Nevada is honestly my oldest friend, and a true one at that. I used to wonder if we were only connected through our shared history and families, but with each visit I become more confident that we have formed a true friendship separate of those ideas. I truly feel comfortable and open with them, for which I am grateful as we all know that it's not the way I often move through the world. Maybe it's an indicator that my closest friends live far away---perhaps I'm intolerable in close proximity, but I am beyond happy and grateful for these two in my life, however I can get them.
5.15.2017
NYC 2017-5/16/17
Jason has surprised me with a trip to New York City for my birthday this year. Not really surprised me, since I've known about it since March, but still...the whole thing was his idea. And what a great idea it was. We just finished Day 1 and I'm feeling the urge to document the day so that I don't forget what we did, and even more, how I feel.
We left Reno last night at 11:59 p.m. We took the JetBlue redeye, which was my first experience on the airline and on a redeye flight in general. Even after two margaritas and a Xanax, I was wide awake, yet exhausted, and pretty nervous. I don't know from what or from where this fear of flying has come, but it is not fun. I was genuinely convinced the whole flight that we weren't going to make it. Every change in sound, every bump, every light flicker has me assuming that something bad is happening. It's awful...and I need to get a grip on it because I don't want it to affect my desire to travel.
We arrived at JFK at 8:30 a.m., and were met by our lovely Armenian driver Asa. The 17-mile drive took us a solid 90 minutes, through Jamaica and other parts of Queens, and finally over the Queensborough bridge to Manhattan. Asa told us a lot about how he had been in the rug restoration business until 2001, when, after 9/11, people stopped buying Persian and Turkish rugs. Whether the economy changed or people didn't want to buy rugs from him he didn't know, but he changed careers and became a driver. He was warm and open, and gave us a nice rundown of each area through which we passed as he drove us to our hotel.
We're staying at the Marriott Marquis in Times Square. As we were pulling up, we passed both the Imperial and Richard Rodgers theaters, home to The Great Comet and Hamilton, respectively. I am completely obsessed with the latter, and have been for about six months. Turns out Jason surprised me with tickets, thanks to help from Tina Wheeler (thanks, Tina!), and the theater is honestly next door to the hotel. J also got tickets to the Great Comet for Wednesday afternoon, and that is on the other side of the RR theater from us. We had no idea when we booked the hotel that the Theater District was right here, let alone that we would be next door to the part of the trip to which I'm looking the most forward.
The best part of the hotel---aside from its great location, is that it's free! We managed to secure six nights using points that we accrued from the season on the Marriott card we got at the beginning of the season---total score!
After checking in, we had a $70 breakfast buffet (!) at the hotel, and then took a much, much needed nap.
We woke around 4 p.m to walk around and explore a bit. Before we knew it, we'd purchased tickets for Lion King on Wednesday night and to a play called The Play Gone Wrong for Thursday evening. Our week is shaping up so nicely; quite frankly, I could stay in this little area and go to a play every single day.
We decided to look into School of Rock and tickets for tonight were available. We grabbed a quick dinner of Greek salad, spinach pie, and a delicious coconut macaroon at a nearby deli before heading back to the Winter Garden Theater for School of Rock. The show was great, the kids were darling and incredibly talented, and we left with huge smiles on our faces. We then found a small Irish pub and watched quarters 3&4 of Game 7 between Celtics and Wizards. Boston came out on top as we had steak, shrimp, and veggies for dinner, followed by strawberry ice cream and Bailey's for dessert.
Tomorrow we have a tour planned at 8:15 a.m at the 9/11 Memorial, followed by a day with Brenna and eventually Nevada. I am so grateful to have kept relationships with them as an adult, and am especially grateful that J is also excited to see and spend time with them, and vice versa.
It's really important that I remember days like these (weeks like these, actually) as they are the majority of my days and I am so absurdly lucky. It is a luxury to pick up and leave home for a week, stay in a beautiful hotel, buy tickets randomly to multiple Broadway shows, and not have to worry about money spent on food or transportation. I never, ever want to forget or take for granted how fortunate I am, specifically for our resources, but especially for having a partner who has ensured our success and stability. We've both worked hard, but it's his vision that has secured this life for us. Plus, he is just really fund to hang out with!
The lineup for the week:
Tuesday: 9/11, Trinity Church, High Line, and Nev and Bre Day!
Wednesday: The Great Comet 2 p.m., Lion King 7 p.m.
Thursday: The Play Gone Wrong
Friday: HAMILTON!!!
Saturday: ??? SNL? Live taping of a show???
Sunday: ??? Flight leaves at 7:30 p.m.
Lucky, lucky, lu
We left Reno last night at 11:59 p.m. We took the JetBlue redeye, which was my first experience on the airline and on a redeye flight in general. Even after two margaritas and a Xanax, I was wide awake, yet exhausted, and pretty nervous. I don't know from what or from where this fear of flying has come, but it is not fun. I was genuinely convinced the whole flight that we weren't going to make it. Every change in sound, every bump, every light flicker has me assuming that something bad is happening. It's awful...and I need to get a grip on it because I don't want it to affect my desire to travel.
We arrived at JFK at 8:30 a.m., and were met by our lovely Armenian driver Asa. The 17-mile drive took us a solid 90 minutes, through Jamaica and other parts of Queens, and finally over the Queensborough bridge to Manhattan. Asa told us a lot about how he had been in the rug restoration business until 2001, when, after 9/11, people stopped buying Persian and Turkish rugs. Whether the economy changed or people didn't want to buy rugs from him he didn't know, but he changed careers and became a driver. He was warm and open, and gave us a nice rundown of each area through which we passed as he drove us to our hotel.
We're staying at the Marriott Marquis in Times Square. As we were pulling up, we passed both the Imperial and Richard Rodgers theaters, home to The Great Comet and Hamilton, respectively. I am completely obsessed with the latter, and have been for about six months. Turns out Jason surprised me with tickets, thanks to help from Tina Wheeler (thanks, Tina!), and the theater is honestly next door to the hotel. J also got tickets to the Great Comet for Wednesday afternoon, and that is on the other side of the RR theater from us. We had no idea when we booked the hotel that the Theater District was right here, let alone that we would be next door to the part of the trip to which I'm looking the most forward.
The best part of the hotel---aside from its great location, is that it's free! We managed to secure six nights using points that we accrued from the season on the Marriott card we got at the beginning of the season---total score!
After checking in, we had a $70 breakfast buffet (!) at the hotel, and then took a much, much needed nap.
We woke around 4 p.m to walk around and explore a bit. Before we knew it, we'd purchased tickets for Lion King on Wednesday night and to a play called The Play Gone Wrong for Thursday evening. Our week is shaping up so nicely; quite frankly, I could stay in this little area and go to a play every single day.
We decided to look into School of Rock and tickets for tonight were available. We grabbed a quick dinner of Greek salad, spinach pie, and a delicious coconut macaroon at a nearby deli before heading back to the Winter Garden Theater for School of Rock. The show was great, the kids were darling and incredibly talented, and we left with huge smiles on our faces. We then found a small Irish pub and watched quarters 3&4 of Game 7 between Celtics and Wizards. Boston came out on top as we had steak, shrimp, and veggies for dinner, followed by strawberry ice cream and Bailey's for dessert.
Tomorrow we have a tour planned at 8:15 a.m at the 9/11 Memorial, followed by a day with Brenna and eventually Nevada. I am so grateful to have kept relationships with them as an adult, and am especially grateful that J is also excited to see and spend time with them, and vice versa.
It's really important that I remember days like these (weeks like these, actually) as they are the majority of my days and I am so absurdly lucky. It is a luxury to pick up and leave home for a week, stay in a beautiful hotel, buy tickets randomly to multiple Broadway shows, and not have to worry about money spent on food or transportation. I never, ever want to forget or take for granted how fortunate I am, specifically for our resources, but especially for having a partner who has ensured our success and stability. We've both worked hard, but it's his vision that has secured this life for us. Plus, he is just really fund to hang out with!
The lineup for the week:
Tuesday: 9/11, Trinity Church, High Line, and Nev and Bre Day!
Wednesday: The Great Comet 2 p.m., Lion King 7 p.m.
Thursday: The Play Gone Wrong
Friday: HAMILTON!!!
Saturday: ??? SNL? Live taping of a show???
Sunday: ??? Flight leaves at 7:30 p.m.
Lucky, lucky, lu
6.02.2012
My, how time flies.
After an especially emotionally draining day and night, I decided that it was time I get in a good jot. A good jotting down of ideas, of feelings, of hopes, of fears. What better place to do such a thing than a blog! I thought I was a genius until I suddenly realized that I already have one of those! And, imagine my disgust, when I come to look at it after all this time and find that it has been two years since my last post.
Two years!
I have always considered myself a writer...or at least a wannabe. But what kind of writer, wannabe or not, writes every two years?
Certainly not a very good one.
Thus begins yet another pledge to myself to write regularly. I can imagine coming back in one year or more to see this 'pledge' having gone desperately awry, and can imagine the urge I would have to hit myself in the face with a spoon.
I suppose we shall see.
So much has changed in the two years since my last post. I had just turned 25; well, I just turned 27. I didn't see a 'life path' or course for myself. Well, for the last two years I have been basically running a small business. Granted, with a partner....but still.
It's funny how time flies when you're having fun. This time has been by far the most challenging and most rewarding of my life. Someday I'll document it all. But, now is not the time. Now is the time to move forward and stop looking back. It takes a bit of bravery...but if I could just keep that forward glance...
Two years!
I have always considered myself a writer...or at least a wannabe. But what kind of writer, wannabe or not, writes every two years?
Certainly not a very good one.
Thus begins yet another pledge to myself to write regularly. I can imagine coming back in one year or more to see this 'pledge' having gone desperately awry, and can imagine the urge I would have to hit myself in the face with a spoon.
I suppose we shall see.
So much has changed in the two years since my last post. I had just turned 25; well, I just turned 27. I didn't see a 'life path' or course for myself. Well, for the last two years I have been basically running a small business. Granted, with a partner....but still.
It's funny how time flies when you're having fun. This time has been by far the most challenging and most rewarding of my life. Someday I'll document it all. But, now is not the time. Now is the time to move forward and stop looking back. It takes a bit of bravery...but if I could just keep that forward glance...
6.06.2010
Musings on Ma and Pop, and a bit on 2010
It's been awhile since I've written. Shocking, I know.
It has been one hell of five-month drought. Much has happened, some things wonderful, some things bordering on tragic. Some things reassuring, and some things a little disheartening.
But, I can say that as of right now, June 6, 2010, I may be the happiest that I have ever been. Ever.
The majority of this happiness is a temporary glee that has been induced by the last 24 hours of being in Spain with my parents. I came a week ago, on May 27, and they were barely able to make it over yesterday, June 5. Mom and Dad (but let's be honest, mainly just Mom) spent almost a year planning this trip. They rented the Cortijo Estacada de las Cabras, a villa that sleeps 20, about 50 km outside of Sevilla in southern Spain. They convinced their friends to come. They planned the day trips. The bought the plane and train tickets and rented the cars. They put in the deposits.
And after all of that, it was looking like they weren't going to be able to come at all. And it is for this reason that I am so absurdly happy to be able to spend this time with them.
It has dawned on me in the last six weeks since Mom got sick that, not only have I turned 25 this year, but the people around me are also getting older. It's easy to get wrapped up in the self and not pay as much attention to those around you. It really struck me in April that Dad was turning 55, and that Mom would be 52 in June. Fortunately we live in a time and country in which these are still considered to be 'young' ages and that one can say with a good amount of certainty that there is plenty of good, healthy, happy, mobile life left. But unfortunately, my parents, Dad especially, don't take the greatest care with their bodies in the day-to-day.
I was grateful and excited when I decided not to go to South Africa for many reasons. The greatest of them by far was that I could spend this time in Spain with Mom and Dad. Because, while they are still relatively healthy and youthful, I just don't know how many more opportunities there will be. I will eventually be married with kids and they will age quicker and quicker. How many times are there in the future to travel internationally and have races in pools and goofy diving contests and cook and eat good food together and see ancient ruins in beautiful old cities?
I am incredibly grateful now that I made that decision then. Even without Mom's struggles of the last six weeks, I would be grateful. But with them, my gratitude is inimitable. Unexplainable.
On April 20 Mom called me and thought she had the stomach flu. She was 'coming down with something' and wasn't feeling well. Then on April 21 Dad called and said he was taking her to the emergency room. Then later on April 21 they were going in for emergency surgery to operate on her appendix, which had ruptured god-knows-how-long earlier.
It is no fun to see your mama laid up in a hospital bed. Period. The community from the college completely rallied around her—there were cards and cards and cards and flowers and flowers and teddy bears. Dad literally had to shut off the phone and have the nurses turn away visitors daily so that she could rest. It was a beautiful thing among the chaos that was going on in her body.
As of April 27 she was still not better and wasn't progressing well from the surgery. Who knew that appendix surgery could be so complicated? She had gained 25 lbs. of water weight and her digestive system wasn't working correctly. (Oh and the geniuses at the hospital still hadn't put her on any intravenous nutrition—which, let me tell you, my nurse aunt Cookie was just thrilled about)
On April 30 they found abscesses with infections in her belly. Because the first surgery was so invasive and they had to clean out the toxins from so much of her system, the doc had said there was a high-risk of infection. In reality we couldn't really be surprised that she required a second surgery to remove the abscesses. But it didn't mean that we were happy about it. And at this point, 27 days before she was scheduled to leave for Spain and France for a month...things weren't looking good.
The surgery went well, and the retention sutures that they used helped her heal quickly and prevented her internal and external incisions from opening. The center of the abdomen is such an integral part to most movements that we make, and even a small wrong turn could have opened her back up again without those sutures. They also put in a drainage system that flushed the system while also removing the yuckiness, which helped decrease cause for concern for more infection. This system was painful for Mom as she could feel it pulsing and cycling through.
A few days after, they put in a Wound-Vac. It was a similar system, though portable. It continued to drain her system of toxins and residual post-surgery icky stuff. She was making remarkable progress at this time, though to her it felt slow and painful and frustrating. She was walking around the hospital more, regaining color, losing fluid, and moving more easily in her hospital bed.
This is after the surgeon told her multiple times that he almost lost her, and that she was lucky to be alive. That she had almost died. Which to me still doesn't sound real or even possible at all.
I had a tournament to coach May 8 and 9—Mother's Day. I got the best call ever from Dad who said she was being released from the hospital. It was the best Mother's Day 'gift' for her ever, although she did it for herself. Her fortitude and tenacity and determination was inspiring, and though it was heartbreaking to see her frustrated and in pain and struggling, her strength shone through and she secured a speedy recovery for herself.
At home for the next two weeks she lay in bed knitting and watching movies, which, if you've met my mother, is extraordinarily difficult. No daily walk through the mountains. No laundry. No house cleaning. No work. Just rest.
And then it was still uncertain if she would make Spain at all. It came right down to the wire. She was officially cleared to come May 25, two days before I and the rest of the crew flew out of Reno. No pain meds. No weird drainage systems. No crazy open gaps in her stomach. No nada.
And this morning, June 6, she is swimming laps in the pool and lying in the sun and laughing with her friends with a glass of rosé in her hand. In Spain.
This situation has really made me stop and think. It is cliché to say and horribly contrived...but, all of this could really be gone in an instant.
To quote Brandon Boyd, "And in this moment I am happy." (And I have to say that if I Wish Anyone Were Here---Pierre should be. It would complete it even more than it is now)
I feel like a kid. Waking up to swim in the pool with Dad.
Taking his advice to improve my breath-holding skills (which suck) so I can swim multiple lengths of the pool underwater.
Hearing about Ruben Nabarra, the ex-Mexican national team swimmer who had to resort to spending his life as a 'wetback' ( no negative connotation intended) in Smoky Valley, teaching young Paul how to swim.
Doing crosswords with Mom.
Eating anchovy-stuffed olives in warm weather and not out of Christmas stocking (yes we have some weird traditions).
Making gnosh plates for dinner.
Hearing them laugh.
Watching them swim and play in the pool together like they're in puppy love. Like they met last week instead of 30 years ago.
It is a beautiful thing.
1.15.2010
Pintar sin miedo
Pintar sin miedo. Rire sin miedo. Trabajar sin miedo. Se divertir sin miedo. Vivir sin miedo...
I forget how many wonderful things happen on Global Voice exchanges. Among them so far in only three days:
I forget how many wonderful things happen on Global Voice exchanges. Among them so far in only three days:
- a beautiful welcoming ceremony-assembly at the middle school where we are working, including an arrangment for vocals, guitar and keyboards of ''Imagine'' that made me bawl my eyes out. There's something about that song that is so universally hopeful and powerful, and for a band of Mexican middle school students to perform it in honor of our 'intercambio' was just so emotionally supercharging that I was overflowing with emotion. I think they thought that something was really wrong with me because I probably looked like my favorite puppy just died of some horrible disease.
- relationships among kids who don't speak the same language, and the realization that verbal communication is a tiny part of how we understand each other
- gaining confidence in my horribly broken but nevertheless optimistic and tenacious Spanish
- time to read books. New concept.
- teaching a French class with a Canadian in Mexico. 'Nough said
- beautiful sunsets with palm trees silhouetted in black against yellow, orange and pink
- new ideas
- an appreciation for home and everything there, most of all what I have spent the last six months doing with my life. This is the first time in all my travels that I have a deep-rooted longing for home. It's actually a little painful. I miss my girls and my coaches and my cat. For the first time, I feel like I've done something right and am doing what I want to do with my life!
1.11.2010
Hola de Téacapan
Global Voice 2010 came right up on me. I was not ready for it at all. Not mentally, not emotionally, not career-ly. I feel a bit guilty about that, but all my fears and reservations and hesitations have been completely extinguished in the 24 hours or so since we've arrived in Sinaloa.
After a long travel day (4:30 a.m. at the airport, layover in Phoenix, bumpy flights, etc.) we met with Ricardo Topete at the airport in Mazatlan. Another wonderful man from a wonderful family connection of the Griffins, he is the principal at the middle school where we've chosen to spend the two weeks of our exchange.
After renting a van and driving about an hour to Escuinapa, home of the Topetes, we were met with his family: wife Marta, and three daughters who are all as different as can be. Arim, 28, lived in Reno for 5 years and is in international finance. She flies from place to place analyzing market risk for investor. Spain. Puerto Rico. Pakistan. Turkey.
Lucky girl.
Marien is almost 24, a quiet and petite girl who lived with the Griffins on exchange during 2005. Marta, the youngest, is a gregarious, bubble and emotive girl of 20. She studies at Luzanne, in Switzerland. Another lucky girl.
Marta Sr.'s family comes from Puebla, and the family made an absurdly delicious and beautiful meal from the region. Poblanos with bananas and chicken. Molé. Beans. Tortillas. Salsa fresca. So so good.
We ate in the beautiful garden of their large home. I am always amazed at the architecture and style in Mexico. Every building has a tiny and unassuming street-side face. When you open the gate to go in though, it´s like a huge world opens up. Trees. Flowers. Foliage. Gorgeous.
We met most of the familia de Topete including César, a 17-yeaer-old high school student who will return with us to start school in Virginia City as an exchange student for the semester. He´s used to small towns. So it will all work out.
After a trip to the grocery store for food for the week and a stop at the ATM, we jumped back in the cars to head to Téacapan, a small fishing village set right up against the coast. Literally 30-seconds from nuestra casita is the Pacific. It was a beautiful drive in, with the sun setting against the palm trees and hills in the distance. This part of the country is much greener and more lush in comparison with the Sea of Cortez side (Loreto is one of my favorite places).
After a quick settle-in, very quick group discussion, and some snacking we headed to bed in the large Topete family home. It´s beautful, with tile floors, two levels and two bungalows in the enormous and lush front yard. All together the place sleeps 16 very comfortably. It has been awhile since its been used though so we do have some adventures in front of us regarding bugs, plumbing, etc. I suppose the experience wouldn´t be what it is without these small humps to accept.
We slept quickly because we were all so tired from the day´s travelling. I slept easily from 10 p.m. to 8:30 this morning, uninterrupted save for a brief moment at God know´s what time when I put my ear plugs in to rescue me from the buzzing of a nearby mosquito.
Speaking of mosquitos, I don´t think I've been in an area where there are so many mosquitos since Ghana. At least I haven't thought about it before. It's appropriate since this week marks my four year anniversary of my departure to Ghana. This is completely mind-blowing to me as I often feel like it was just yesterday that I was there. Anyway, I´m wondering if I could have a malaria flare up? In my more paranoid moments I wonder if a mosquito bites me if it's possible for them to get infected. I would really hate to cause any malaria outbreaks throughout the entire country of Mexico. Hrmmmm...ideas?
Will add more at a later time. Right now I must get back to the casita from the internet cafe. I think tamales await. Love to all!
After a long travel day (4:30 a.m. at the airport, layover in Phoenix, bumpy flights, etc.) we met with Ricardo Topete at the airport in Mazatlan. Another wonderful man from a wonderful family connection of the Griffins, he is the principal at the middle school where we've chosen to spend the two weeks of our exchange.
After renting a van and driving about an hour to Escuinapa, home of the Topetes, we were met with his family: wife Marta, and three daughters who are all as different as can be. Arim, 28, lived in Reno for 5 years and is in international finance. She flies from place to place analyzing market risk for investor. Spain. Puerto Rico. Pakistan. Turkey.
Lucky girl.
Marien is almost 24, a quiet and petite girl who lived with the Griffins on exchange during 2005. Marta, the youngest, is a gregarious, bubble and emotive girl of 20. She studies at Luzanne, in Switzerland. Another lucky girl.
Marta Sr.'s family comes from Puebla, and the family made an absurdly delicious and beautiful meal from the region. Poblanos with bananas and chicken. Molé. Beans. Tortillas. Salsa fresca. So so good.
We ate in the beautiful garden of their large home. I am always amazed at the architecture and style in Mexico. Every building has a tiny and unassuming street-side face. When you open the gate to go in though, it´s like a huge world opens up. Trees. Flowers. Foliage. Gorgeous.
We met most of the familia de Topete including César, a 17-yeaer-old high school student who will return with us to start school in Virginia City as an exchange student for the semester. He´s used to small towns. So it will all work out.
After a trip to the grocery store for food for the week and a stop at the ATM, we jumped back in the cars to head to Téacapan, a small fishing village set right up against the coast. Literally 30-seconds from nuestra casita is the Pacific. It was a beautiful drive in, with the sun setting against the palm trees and hills in the distance. This part of the country is much greener and more lush in comparison with the Sea of Cortez side (Loreto is one of my favorite places).
After a quick settle-in, very quick group discussion, and some snacking we headed to bed in the large Topete family home. It´s beautful, with tile floors, two levels and two bungalows in the enormous and lush front yard. All together the place sleeps 16 very comfortably. It has been awhile since its been used though so we do have some adventures in front of us regarding bugs, plumbing, etc. I suppose the experience wouldn´t be what it is without these small humps to accept.
We slept quickly because we were all so tired from the day´s travelling. I slept easily from 10 p.m. to 8:30 this morning, uninterrupted save for a brief moment at God know´s what time when I put my ear plugs in to rescue me from the buzzing of a nearby mosquito.
Speaking of mosquitos, I don´t think I've been in an area where there are so many mosquitos since Ghana. At least I haven't thought about it before. It's appropriate since this week marks my four year anniversary of my departure to Ghana. This is completely mind-blowing to me as I often feel like it was just yesterday that I was there. Anyway, I´m wondering if I could have a malaria flare up? In my more paranoid moments I wonder if a mosquito bites me if it's possible for them to get infected. I would really hate to cause any malaria outbreaks throughout the entire country of Mexico. Hrmmmm...ideas?
Will add more at a later time. Right now I must get back to the casita from the internet cafe. I think tamales await. Love to all!
1.07.2010
Hello 2010!
What a pleasant experience to wake up on Jan. 1 and not have a splitting headache, dry mouth, and the all-consuming urge to stick my finger down my throat to get the vodka/crans-redbull/vodkas-ridiculously sweet hot pink fruity drinks out of my system! (And people say I can't handle my alcohol...huh...)
Last night ended up being a fantastic New Year's celebration. Original plans to head to a concert with my 18-year-old-cousin E were derailed when other fam members thought we should stay home to play games and not be insulting. Hm. We obliged, though I thought it was going to be a bit tiresome (maybe even annoying) to play Wii and Disney's SceneIt with a two, three and seven year old for the second night in three days.
It's all about attitude though (and a little Amaretto didn't hurt either). It ended up being a total blast. A, E and L are so stinking cute. See? It is a physical and mental impossibility to be at all morose around those three.
I was starting to lose steam around 11 p.m. when my aunt C suggested we brave the crazies to watch the fireworks downtown. In typical Alix fashion the grumps started to set in as I was settling deeper and deeper into the couch. I've never been much for New Year's because I don't like hoards of people unless I'm very very drunk and don't know any better.
Anyway, I dragged myself up off the couch and E and I jumped in my car, followed by C, J and cuz Esh in hers. We separated quickly; finding two spots together would have been impossible. I parked in a little alley between the hookah bar and the church on 1st and Arlington, fully giving it up to the gods of parking fate as to whether or not we would come back to a car with an intact windshield (or any car at all).
We met up with B for a quick chai on a nameless rooftop near Java Jungle, then headed to 2nd and Virginia to join the masses in front of Harrah's for the fireworks. It was a beautiful and lengthy display, and definitely lit up the sky well enough to accomplish some amazing people watching on the street level. I could watch people forever, just wondering about who they are and where they're going and where they've come from. It was exceptional though, since many of them were high and/or drunk and/or dressed like maniacs. Fun for E and J to see, too. We shared an (albeit judgmental) smile or two.
E and A New Year's Eve
We returned to the car shortly after making our way through the crowds after the Works. We took C back to her car and then E, J, S and I walked around a bit more through the casinos. More people watching and scantily-clad-girls-with-boobs-hanging-out avoidance (Seth to Jonah, "Don't look at that, don't look at that, and definitely DON'T look at THAT!").
Dropped everyone off and made it to bed before 2:30 a.m. Not too shabby, and much more relaxed than I'd envisioned.
Happy 2010! Hope you have a wonderful first couple weeks to the new year!
12.31.2009
Goodbye to 2009.
Tonight is New Year's Eve. Which means, as I write this, that there are 14 hours and 30 something minutes left of 2009.
I'm not much for resolutions. One hardly ever follows through with them and they are usually made under some superficial societal guise of personal betterment. It is a good idea, though, to reflect on a year that has passed in an individual, honest and private way.
This is important to me especially, as I have trouble being honest with myself and my memories. (WARNING: Obnoxious sidenote) I could justify and convince myself of almost anything if I get going (maybe I really did enjoy being holed up in my room on my laptop writing that thesis for two months at the end of last year. There was the challenging research, the rewarding groove and flow of writing, the insightful interviews, the editing process, the wonderful moments of being awake when the rest of the city was sleeping, the empowering and exciting defense...) See what I mean? Maybe I really did enjoy that process. Maybe I've convinced myself that I didn't. Hrmmm. Have to rethink that one.
Anyway, what I do know is that the big surprise of 2009 to me is that, just because I've turned 24 and have finished a certain number of steps in my "life plan," a clear path hasn't necessarily opened itself to me. I was under some impression that if I took steps A, B, and C, than my Extraordinary, Stable, Challenging, Rewarding, Impressive and Brilliant Life Path would be clear. That there would literally be a red carpet down said life path for me to walk. Or run. Or crawl. Or whatever...because it's mine to choose.
The thing is, I don't think I thought ahead in detail about what that would be. I thought it was an equation, a checklist. High School? Check. Travel? Check. College? Check. More travel? Check. Graduation? Check. Why hasn't some miraculous career dropped into my lap (I'm guessing it's because I haven't filled out any job applications)? The real question is, Why don't I have some clearer idea of exactly what I want to spend my life doing?
More practically, why don't I know what I want to study in graduate school? I really like the thought that I am a woman who would have a lot of letters after her name (MA, PHd, JD, etc. etc.) So many of my friends have gone to grad or professional schools...what's wrong with me? Where's my motivation? Why are my interests so spread out and unfocused (one can hardly do a master's in sports psychology/international affairs/creative writing/public policy)?
The lesson I've taken from this, my solution to solve this educational and professional identity crisis, is JUST TO FREAKING RELAX. I think it's a good solution really. Especially when written in capital letters all over my apartment in dry erase marker...on my bathroom mirror, my refrigerator, the board in my bedroom. JUST FREAKING RELAX. My new mantra.
I've decided that there is no clear path. In anything. Otherwise what would be the point? This whole life thing is supposed to be a big adventure. And while we often have an idea of how it's supposed to go, rarely does it turn out that way. I'm happy for my friends that will have master's degrees and be doctors in whatever. And I am absolutely keeping my thoughts open to doing the same eventually. But I'm leaving that equation, that checklist, that says my life will only be complete if I've completed a doctoral dissertation by the time I'm 30. I still won't be a great writer by then anyway (especially if I keep slacking on my journaling and blogging).
Plus, I have found something really great this year. My heightened passion and excitement around everything Volleyball has surprised and invigorated me. I don't get up at 5 a.m. for anything, but I find myself relatively easily getting out of bed for early morning practices. I look forward to coaching, teaching, analyzing, planning, scouting. I've always had at least a luke-warm like for the sport, especially when I was playing. That almost-passion had diminished over the last couple years as I was coaching out of necessity to pay the rent and I had no ownership or responsibility for what was going on. It is my feeling (although the coaches with whom I worked disagree) that I filled a spot on the court and had no role in the minds and hearts of the girls I was teaching.
Now, at Manogue and Northern Nevada Juniors, I feel totally responsible for the challenges and successes that my girl enjoy. I feel like it matters if I show up. And I feel happy when I leave the gym at night. Refreshed. Excited. Lighthearted. These feelings tell me that this is something that I should really hold on to.
Plus, since somehow I've found myself in this amazing situation with Jason and KatiJo (the Three Coaching Musketeers of sorts), there is so much more that is open to me. Jason's absurd and never-ending connections to people in the national volleyball community are boundless. There are opportunities to write for Volleyball Magazine, to work for FIVB, and attend camps and practices with the men's and women's national teams. I think that, somehow, even though my conceived "life path" hasn't revealed itself, another door has opened and I have walked through to find a whole other set of wonderful opportunities. And there is no reason for that not to be more than OK, fantastic even!
with Karch Kiraly at AVCA Convention in Tampa, Flor.
So career, bill-paying stuff aside, 2009 has still been a topsy turvy kind of year. The relationship realm has been turned upside down. To break up with Brian was a heart-breaking decision, and though I know it was the right decision, it was and is still extraordinarily difficult. There was a point when I knew for sure that Brian and I would get married and have two children and a Great Dane and Hank and be happy. So again with the life path clarity stuff...not so much.
The only negative thing that I even remotely regret about the kind of relationship I had with Brian is that I came out of it with hardly any friends. This whole concept of friendship is completely elusive to me now as I've realized that I am a great girlfriend but a hideous friend. (At this point I'd like a sidenote to thank Parisa and Dana, my great long-distance friends who, when we do talk, the conversation never skips a beat and I know that we will always be friends. I'd like also to thank Michelle, my great, great friend, who is one of the few who is in close geographical proximity to me and who I have yet to drive away with my flakiness. There are a few other, newer friends—Annie, Virginia, Skyler, Jenn, KJ—who I can't wait to get closer to and who should also be recognized for their patience and understanding thus far).
Clockwise from top left: Parisa, Michelle, Brenna, Michelle and Virginia, Annie, Junior and Dana
Basically, I let all of my friendships go by the wayside when I was with Brian because all of my energy went to him. This is, by the way, not at all his fault, nor mine, but rather the result of being 17 and in a serious relationship and waking up to be 24 to see how things have turned out.
I'm sure that the ending of some of these friendships were timely and natural, just the probable drifting apart of friends whose impact on the other has run out. But I felt so devastated this holiday season when I knew that they were all at home reconnecting with each other and spending time creating new memories...and none of them even thought to call me. Again, this is not their fault, but is only my own as I am responsible for losing touch, drifting apart, and losing value as a friend for them.
So here I am, starting a new year, with these sorts of reflection on my mind. I am not friendless, but am not happy with the relationships in my life. I need to be a much better friend to the people whom I care about (notice the complete absence of the word resolution). I need to stay in closer touch and be there for them as they have been there for me.
As for the whole alone thing. I would like to really take advantage of the opportunity to be with myself and get to know who that is. I feel the urge to flee back into the arms of another relationship in order to avoid this new and unsettling feeling of solo-ness. I would like to stay aware and alert to the fact that, just maybe, I may like being alone.
And, there are a few exciting things on the docket for the year, which I would like to enter into with the most positive and open of attitudes:
I'm not much for resolutions. One hardly ever follows through with them and they are usually made under some superficial societal guise of personal betterment. It is a good idea, though, to reflect on a year that has passed in an individual, honest and private way.
This is important to me especially, as I have trouble being honest with myself and my memories. (WARNING: Obnoxious sidenote) I could justify and convince myself of almost anything if I get going (maybe I really did enjoy being holed up in my room on my laptop writing that thesis for two months at the end of last year. There was the challenging research, the rewarding groove and flow of writing, the insightful interviews, the editing process, the wonderful moments of being awake when the rest of the city was sleeping, the empowering and exciting defense...) See what I mean? Maybe I really did enjoy that process. Maybe I've convinced myself that I didn't. Hrmmm. Have to rethink that one.
Anyway, what I do know is that the big surprise of 2009 to me is that, just because I've turned 24 and have finished a certain number of steps in my "life plan," a clear path hasn't necessarily opened itself to me. I was under some impression that if I took steps A, B, and C, than my Extraordinary, Stable, Challenging, Rewarding, Impressive and Brilliant Life Path would be clear. That there would literally be a red carpet down said life path for me to walk. Or run. Or crawl. Or whatever...because it's mine to choose.
The thing is, I don't think I thought ahead in detail about what that would be. I thought it was an equation, a checklist. High School? Check. Travel? Check. College? Check. More travel? Check. Graduation? Check. Why hasn't some miraculous career dropped into my lap (I'm guessing it's because I haven't filled out any job applications)? The real question is, Why don't I have some clearer idea of exactly what I want to spend my life doing?
More practically, why don't I know what I want to study in graduate school? I really like the thought that I am a woman who would have a lot of letters after her name (MA, PHd, JD, etc. etc.) So many of my friends have gone to grad or professional schools...what's wrong with me? Where's my motivation? Why are my interests so spread out and unfocused (one can hardly do a master's in sports psychology/international affairs/creative writing/public policy)?
The lesson I've taken from this, my solution to solve this educational and professional identity crisis, is JUST TO FREAKING RELAX. I think it's a good solution really. Especially when written in capital letters all over my apartment in dry erase marker...on my bathroom mirror, my refrigerator, the board in my bedroom. JUST FREAKING RELAX. My new mantra.
I've decided that there is no clear path. In anything. Otherwise what would be the point? This whole life thing is supposed to be a big adventure. And while we often have an idea of how it's supposed to go, rarely does it turn out that way. I'm happy for my friends that will have master's degrees and be doctors in whatever. And I am absolutely keeping my thoughts open to doing the same eventually. But I'm leaving that equation, that checklist, that says my life will only be complete if I've completed a doctoral dissertation by the time I'm 30. I still won't be a great writer by then anyway (especially if I keep slacking on my journaling and blogging).
Plus, I have found something really great this year. My heightened passion and excitement around everything Volleyball has surprised and invigorated me. I don't get up at 5 a.m. for anything, but I find myself relatively easily getting out of bed for early morning practices. I look forward to coaching, teaching, analyzing, planning, scouting. I've always had at least a luke-warm like for the sport, especially when I was playing. That almost-passion had diminished over the last couple years as I was coaching out of necessity to pay the rent and I had no ownership or responsibility for what was going on. It is my feeling (although the coaches with whom I worked disagree) that I filled a spot on the court and had no role in the minds and hearts of the girls I was teaching.
Now, at Manogue and Northern Nevada Juniors, I feel totally responsible for the challenges and successes that my girl enjoy. I feel like it matters if I show up. And I feel happy when I leave the gym at night. Refreshed. Excited. Lighthearted. These feelings tell me that this is something that I should really hold on to.
Plus, since somehow I've found myself in this amazing situation with Jason and KatiJo (the Three Coaching Musketeers of sorts), there is so much more that is open to me. Jason's absurd and never-ending connections to people in the national volleyball community are boundless. There are opportunities to write for Volleyball Magazine, to work for FIVB, and attend camps and practices with the men's and women's national teams. I think that, somehow, even though my conceived "life path" hasn't revealed itself, another door has opened and I have walked through to find a whole other set of wonderful opportunities. And there is no reason for that not to be more than OK, fantastic even!
with Karch Kiraly at AVCA Convention in Tampa, Flor.The only negative thing that I even remotely regret about the kind of relationship I had with Brian is that I came out of it with hardly any friends. This whole concept of friendship is completely elusive to me now as I've realized that I am a great girlfriend but a hideous friend. (At this point I'd like a sidenote to thank Parisa and Dana, my great long-distance friends who, when we do talk, the conversation never skips a beat and I know that we will always be friends. I'd like also to thank Michelle, my great, great friend, who is one of the few who is in close geographical proximity to me and who I have yet to drive away with my flakiness. There are a few other, newer friends—Annie, Virginia, Skyler, Jenn, KJ—who I can't wait to get closer to and who should also be recognized for their patience and understanding thus far).
Clockwise from top left: Parisa, Michelle, Brenna, Michelle and Virginia, Annie, Junior and DanaI'm sure that the ending of some of these friendships were timely and natural, just the probable drifting apart of friends whose impact on the other has run out. But I felt so devastated this holiday season when I knew that they were all at home reconnecting with each other and spending time creating new memories...and none of them even thought to call me. Again, this is not their fault, but is only my own as I am responsible for losing touch, drifting apart, and losing value as a friend for them.
So here I am, starting a new year, with these sorts of reflection on my mind. I am not friendless, but am not happy with the relationships in my life. I need to be a much better friend to the people whom I care about (notice the complete absence of the word resolution). I need to stay in closer touch and be there for them as they have been there for me.
As for the whole alone thing. I would like to really take advantage of the opportunity to be with myself and get to know who that is. I feel the urge to flee back into the arms of another relationship in order to avoid this new and unsettling feeling of solo-ness. I would like to stay aware and alert to the fact that, just maybe, I may like being alone.
And, there are a few exciting things on the docket for the year, which I would like to enter into with the most positive and open of attitudes:
- Turning 25. Fuck. (There goes my positive and open attitude)
- Having a wonderful club season with NNJ, and continuing to be open to more opps that this volleyball thing has to offer.
- The World Cup Internship in South Africa, May through July. How lucky am I that I am still in a place where I can take advantage of such opportunities? This will prove to be an amazing experience indeed.
- Family. My family drives me up a wall, but they are some of the best people in the world. I am especially looking forward to the little ones, Addy who will be 8, Eden who will be 4, and Lena who will be 3.
- Writing. Period.
7.17.2009
There's no place like Oz...
I can't believe that I'm spending time on a computer while I'm in Brisbane, but I think there's something to be said for writing about something while you're in the thich of a situation. There's nothing more frustrating that trying to recreate a feeling that you had in a place once you're out of it. It just doesn't work. That's my justification and I'm sticking to it. So what if I checked warfish and facebook?
My visit so far has been perfect. Relaxed to the max. I arrived Wednesday morning at about 11 a.m., after nearly 24 hours or travel from San Fran-->Sydney-->Brisbane. I was pretty tuckered on the cab ride to New Farm...so much so that I hardly perked up when the jovial Indian guy started pointing out all the good restaurants and nightclubs.
I found the keys that P had left for me and immediately settled into their apartment. It's adorable, a little studio in a perfect location with full bath, kitchen and dark hardwood floors. The vaulted ceilings and white paint give it a roomy feel, plus all the light doesn't hurt either. I grabbed a bite to eat, showered and took a nap. Parisa got home from work at about 6 p.m., and we immediately set to work catching up. It's an automatic routine with us...hug hello, quick chit chat about the flight etc., then before we know it we dive in and completely purge ourselves of all or most of the dirty secrets we've hidden from the world since our previous visit.
Mom asked me on the way down to San Fran what I most enjoy about my friendship with P. I told her that I enjoy our conversation because there's no bullshit. Parisa literally knows everything about me: my dirty habits, my nasty and ugly tendencies, my faults and fears. And she still wants to be friends.
So after about an hour of exhaustive conversation, we took a walk to Brunswick St. to get some pizzas. Kolya got home shortly after we did. His energy is ridiculous. The way he smiles when he talks about things, especially their new life in Australia, is completely contagious. I swear, if he was into it, he could get me excited about poking splintered pieces of wood under my fingernails. He is kicking ass with a sales and marketing team....a face-to-face salesman knocking on people's doors and spreading awareness about cheap, clean energy. It's pretty much a perfect job for him---evidenced by his big win as a rookie, where he did so well that they company gave him a new iPod and a free sky dive.
Sweeney Todd saw us off to sleep, and before I knew it Kol and I were enjoying breakfast together and accidentally waking Parisa up with our guffaws. He was explaining the popular Jugger community to me-think Role Models-and I was laughing like a freakin' hyena and trying to prevent my cereal from coming out of my nose.
Parisa and I had the day together to relax and do whatever. We made it into a quaint coffee house by about noon, where we spent the next two hours coming up with the best novel ideas of the next century. OK maybe decade. OK maybe year. But still they are really good, and I only hope that I can find the motivation to follow through with them with her.
We walked along the Brisbane River all the way downtown, past tons of riverside restaurants and bars. If I were rich this is where I would have my hangups. It'd be a different restaurant for every meal, food from a different region every day. We wound our way through the crowd and sidewalks, through a gorgeous outdoor mall. Super busy on a Thursday night---apparently the recession is hardly noticeable in Brisbane. There is so much building going on that it would appear that they're in the middle of an exploding economy.
The City Cat water taxi along the Brisbane River dropped us off after a quick ride from downtown to Sydney Street. The evening found us watching Casablanca, and before I knew it, somehow Kolya had come home and cooked a delicious meal. I swear, P, you are the luckiest girl ever. He cooks, he cleans, he plans trips, he handles finances well, he works, he laughs...I know we're not discussing some pricey retail item, but, man. He does it all!
Henrietta, knitting extraordinaire, stopped by for a visit. Parisa gave me my first knitting lesson (Mamy tried to show me how to crochet a few years ago, but for some reason it didn't take hold--possibly because she yelled at me and said that I have 12 left thumbs) and I am completely hooked. We spent the evening watching Harry Potter (warming up for when we see the new one on Sunday night) and knitting...
We had the most deliciously lazy day yesterday. Full of knitting, napping, writing and watching Pride and Prejudice. Who new Colin Firth could be so hot? I really don't think many people are as good at being lazy as P and I. No changing, no showers, no nothing. Just pure unadulterated laziness. Woot. We did make a good dinner for Kolya...A good bolognese sauce with pasta and salad. The on-going battle between myself and Kolya as to who is the best houseguest/host continues...he never lets me do dishes or cook or pay for anything or ANYTHING. But I've already managed to one-up him as I cooked dinner AND cleared the table the other night. How pathetic is it of me to be so excited about that!
Today I'm alone at the apartment, on my way out to explore. Think I will take a run to the river and hunt down the park K was telling me about with the circuit-training equipment. I've been horrible about eating well since I've been here...cookies and ice cream and pasta...Think I'll have to work it off all over again when I get home. But that's what vacation's all about, right?
Will write again with some actually useful observations about Oz. I am sure that everything I encounter will be agreeable! As for now, I am completely thrilled with the trip so far. I need to get some red sparkly kitten heels and click them a few times to come back here whenever I can!
My visit so far has been perfect. Relaxed to the max. I arrived Wednesday morning at about 11 a.m., after nearly 24 hours or travel from San Fran-->Sydney-->Brisbane. I was pretty tuckered on the cab ride to New Farm...so much so that I hardly perked up when the jovial Indian guy started pointing out all the good restaurants and nightclubs.
I found the keys that P had left for me and immediately settled into their apartment. It's adorable, a little studio in a perfect location with full bath, kitchen and dark hardwood floors. The vaulted ceilings and white paint give it a roomy feel, plus all the light doesn't hurt either. I grabbed a bite to eat, showered and took a nap. Parisa got home from work at about 6 p.m., and we immediately set to work catching up. It's an automatic routine with us...hug hello, quick chit chat about the flight etc., then before we know it we dive in and completely purge ourselves of all or most of the dirty secrets we've hidden from the world since our previous visit.
Mom asked me on the way down to San Fran what I most enjoy about my friendship with P. I told her that I enjoy our conversation because there's no bullshit. Parisa literally knows everything about me: my dirty habits, my nasty and ugly tendencies, my faults and fears. And she still wants to be friends.
So after about an hour of exhaustive conversation, we took a walk to Brunswick St. to get some pizzas. Kolya got home shortly after we did. His energy is ridiculous. The way he smiles when he talks about things, especially their new life in Australia, is completely contagious. I swear, if he was into it, he could get me excited about poking splintered pieces of wood under my fingernails. He is kicking ass with a sales and marketing team....a face-to-face salesman knocking on people's doors and spreading awareness about cheap, clean energy. It's pretty much a perfect job for him---evidenced by his big win as a rookie, where he did so well that they company gave him a new iPod and a free sky dive.
Sweeney Todd saw us off to sleep, and before I knew it Kol and I were enjoying breakfast together and accidentally waking Parisa up with our guffaws. He was explaining the popular Jugger community to me-think Role Models-and I was laughing like a freakin' hyena and trying to prevent my cereal from coming out of my nose.
Parisa and I had the day together to relax and do whatever. We made it into a quaint coffee house by about noon, where we spent the next two hours coming up with the best novel ideas of the next century. OK maybe decade. OK maybe year. But still they are really good, and I only hope that I can find the motivation to follow through with them with her.
We walked along the Brisbane River all the way downtown, past tons of riverside restaurants and bars. If I were rich this is where I would have my hangups. It'd be a different restaurant for every meal, food from a different region every day. We wound our way through the crowd and sidewalks, through a gorgeous outdoor mall. Super busy on a Thursday night---apparently the recession is hardly noticeable in Brisbane. There is so much building going on that it would appear that they're in the middle of an exploding economy.
The City Cat water taxi along the Brisbane River dropped us off after a quick ride from downtown to Sydney Street. The evening found us watching Casablanca, and before I knew it, somehow Kolya had come home and cooked a delicious meal. I swear, P, you are the luckiest girl ever. He cooks, he cleans, he plans trips, he handles finances well, he works, he laughs...I know we're not discussing some pricey retail item, but, man. He does it all!
Henrietta, knitting extraordinaire, stopped by for a visit. Parisa gave me my first knitting lesson (Mamy tried to show me how to crochet a few years ago, but for some reason it didn't take hold--possibly because she yelled at me and said that I have 12 left thumbs) and I am completely hooked. We spent the evening watching Harry Potter (warming up for when we see the new one on Sunday night) and knitting...
We had the most deliciously lazy day yesterday. Full of knitting, napping, writing and watching Pride and Prejudice. Who new Colin Firth could be so hot? I really don't think many people are as good at being lazy as P and I. No changing, no showers, no nothing. Just pure unadulterated laziness. Woot. We did make a good dinner for Kolya...A good bolognese sauce with pasta and salad. The on-going battle between myself and Kolya as to who is the best houseguest/host continues...he never lets me do dishes or cook or pay for anything or ANYTHING. But I've already managed to one-up him as I cooked dinner AND cleared the table the other night. How pathetic is it of me to be so excited about that!
Today I'm alone at the apartment, on my way out to explore. Think I will take a run to the river and hunt down the park K was telling me about with the circuit-training equipment. I've been horrible about eating well since I've been here...cookies and ice cream and pasta...Think I'll have to work it off all over again when I get home. But that's what vacation's all about, right?
Will write again with some actually useful observations about Oz. I am sure that everything I encounter will be agreeable! As for now, I am completely thrilled with the trip so far. I need to get some red sparkly kitten heels and click them a few times to come back here whenever I can!
7.08.2009
It's been awhile
I have a feeling many of my future blogs (and possibly past blogs, too...I didn't check) are apt to have this title. I knew it had been some time since I'd last written, but I didn't think it'd been almost a month. Time flies when you're having fun, but also apparently when you're just living life day by day.
I leave for Australia in five days. I am, to say the very least, completely thrilled. At this point, it's more of a necessity than a blessing. It's been a year since I've been out of the country (I don't count Mexico) and I can feel it in my travel-bug riddled bones. Also seven months without having seen P and K isn't too long; however, the more frequent our visits get, the more frequent I want them to be. Honestly I may just shock them both and move to Oz and ruin their lives forever.
It's been a relaxing couple weeks here. Nothing really new. The Gathering Genius stuff will officially be over on Saturday (and not a day too soon). N taking over everything at Primary Image is a great relief because now I can come and go and enjoy it and not worry about leaving M and B hanging when I gallivant off to weird places. Manogue volleyball is going well---I wish I were as serious and committed as KJ and J...I am a bit of an outcast that way I think. But it's still a great learning experience and I hope I can pass off some knowledge to the girls and help them improve.
The nagging feeling of "what next" is becoming familiar. Like a dull toothache. You know the feeling is always there...a little ibuprofen makes it go away for a little while, but you know it will be there when you wake up the next morning. You hope for it to work itself out miraculously disappear one day...but you realize that you have to see someone and take the step to solving it before it will get any better. Unfortunately, no doctor or dentist can solve this problem for me. It's a big life-changing decision. Grad school? Career? Travel? Reno? Elsewhere? Boyfriend? Family? Arg.
I got my GRE textbooks to start studying, and have spent a grand total of probably 5 hours researching grad programs online. I have yet to feel a tug to reassure me that it's the right thing to do. I may never feel a tug though...there may never be an external signal of assurance that I've made a good decision. I just have to take the leap.
Now that G2 is over, though, the thought of not having a steady income is enough to scare the pants off anyone. I have some savings, but it's definitely not much and using it as rent money is not exactly what I've envisioned doing with it. I gotta get on Craigslist and see if anyone's looking to pay someone like me for writing, reading, 'rithmetic, whatever.
In the meantime, I only have four more workouts before I leave for Oz. No results as of yet that I can see. B tells me he can see/feel a difference, but I'm pretty sure he has to say that. All I really care about right now is that I feel better. A ton better. I may actually wear a swimsuit when I go snorkeling in Australia...
I leave for Australia in five days. I am, to say the very least, completely thrilled. At this point, it's more of a necessity than a blessing. It's been a year since I've been out of the country (I don't count Mexico) and I can feel it in my travel-bug riddled bones. Also seven months without having seen P and K isn't too long; however, the more frequent our visits get, the more frequent I want them to be. Honestly I may just shock them both and move to Oz and ruin their lives forever.
It's been a relaxing couple weeks here. Nothing really new. The Gathering Genius stuff will officially be over on Saturday (and not a day too soon). N taking over everything at Primary Image is a great relief because now I can come and go and enjoy it and not worry about leaving M and B hanging when I gallivant off to weird places. Manogue volleyball is going well---I wish I were as serious and committed as KJ and J...I am a bit of an outcast that way I think. But it's still a great learning experience and I hope I can pass off some knowledge to the girls and help them improve.
The nagging feeling of "what next" is becoming familiar. Like a dull toothache. You know the feeling is always there...a little ibuprofen makes it go away for a little while, but you know it will be there when you wake up the next morning. You hope for it to work itself out miraculously disappear one day...but you realize that you have to see someone and take the step to solving it before it will get any better. Unfortunately, no doctor or dentist can solve this problem for me. It's a big life-changing decision. Grad school? Career? Travel? Reno? Elsewhere? Boyfriend? Family? Arg.
I got my GRE textbooks to start studying, and have spent a grand total of probably 5 hours researching grad programs online. I have yet to feel a tug to reassure me that it's the right thing to do. I may never feel a tug though...there may never be an external signal of assurance that I've made a good decision. I just have to take the leap.
Now that G2 is over, though, the thought of not having a steady income is enough to scare the pants off anyone. I have some savings, but it's definitely not much and using it as rent money is not exactly what I've envisioned doing with it. I gotta get on Craigslist and see if anyone's looking to pay someone like me for writing, reading, 'rithmetic, whatever.
In the meantime, I only have four more workouts before I leave for Oz. No results as of yet that I can see. B tells me he can see/feel a difference, but I'm pretty sure he has to say that. All I really care about right now is that I feel better. A ton better. I may actually wear a swimsuit when I go snorkeling in Australia...
6.13.2009
Desiderata
by Max Ehrmann
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
The Almost Blog
I have almost written a bunch of different blogs this week, but didn't quite get around to getting inspired to start or finish any of them. Here are some of the things going though my crazy mind this week:
1) Sometimes I wish someone would just congratulate me and give me a prize for being a semi-functioning pseudo-adult. I think I should get an award for being able to go grocery shopping, care for others, and not let myself sink into unhealthy oblivion.
2) Honesty is a weird thing. When to be honest, when to spare feelings, when to give a much-needed wake-up call. I've decided that most of them time it can be really hard to be honest with the people that we love, but that we usually suck it up and do it because it's best. I've also realized that I don't take care of myself nearly as well as I take care of others, and thus are not honest with myself about crucial things. I have to keep an eye on this...
3) There are so many amazing people in this world that can affect our lives with just the smallest touch/word/look/conversation. I am so grateful to everyone in the world who has had an impact on me, whether it was Laroba the fried-egg sandwich maker in Ghana, Connie the MSW who helped me relax and look at life as an adventure, that girl in the painting on the Gs wall who reminds me that I have it so good, or the countless other people who have made me stop and think and consider something in a different way. The crappy thing is that there is no way to thank them all.
4) My grandmother is around. She passed away Dec. 11, 2007, but she is definitely here with me today. Somehow. I had a very intense dream last night, and her name must have come up nearly ten times today. What I am supposed to get out of this I don't know. But I miss her. A lot.
5) I want to go to Australia. Now.
6) I decided to apply to grad schools and take the GRE this year. Now I just need to learn how to reduce fractions for the test and figure out a program that sounds interesting. or two. or three.
7) For some reason, the negatives in life are easier. It is easier to be mad, sad, grumpy, annoyed, judgmental and insecure. It is harder to be happy. But dammit, I'm going to try.
8) Post-exercise endorphins are not to be underestimated. They are addicting.
9) It freaks me out that I don't know where I want to be in five years. It also freaks me out that the thought of having a real career, an 8a.m.-5 p.m.-50-week-a-year job is the most unappealing thing in the world. Aren't I supposed to want something like that? Isn't that where I'm supposed to find some purpose?
10) I would rather keep my beat up ol' Suzuki than get a new car. Even at 14 years old, with no A/C, shitty sound system and a behemoth of a crack in the windshield, it's better to me than an impersonal strange set of wheels. We've got history, and she hasn't died on my yet (not really, anyway).
11) I am picky about friends. This is dangerous because I'm pretty positive that I am a hard person to really like and love and get to know, and this will likely translate to having few friends through life. If the previous five years or so are any marker, I will hopefully continue to be blessed the strong friendships that I have.
11) I would like to look into the possibility of playing volleyball in grad school.
12) For some reason on this new eating regime I've adopted, i crave sweets more than bread and pasta, and I'm infamous for not having a sweet tooth. Weird.
13) I want to go to Australia. Now.
14) The uneasy feeling of insecurity and unfamiliarity in the work place is a good sign, but is, nevertheless, insecure and unfamiliar. I'm waiting to feel like I know what I'm doing at Manogue. I hope it comes quickly.
15) I need to write more. Much, much more.
16) We are all responsible for our own happiness, and can't expect ourselves to create happiness for anyone else. It will only drag us down.
17) I read Desiderata every morning. It helps a lot. Look for it in the next blog.
1) Sometimes I wish someone would just congratulate me and give me a prize for being a semi-functioning pseudo-adult. I think I should get an award for being able to go grocery shopping, care for others, and not let myself sink into unhealthy oblivion.
2) Honesty is a weird thing. When to be honest, when to spare feelings, when to give a much-needed wake-up call. I've decided that most of them time it can be really hard to be honest with the people that we love, but that we usually suck it up and do it because it's best. I've also realized that I don't take care of myself nearly as well as I take care of others, and thus are not honest with myself about crucial things. I have to keep an eye on this...
3) There are so many amazing people in this world that can affect our lives with just the smallest touch/word/look/conversation. I am so grateful to everyone in the world who has had an impact on me, whether it was Laroba the fried-egg sandwich maker in Ghana, Connie the MSW who helped me relax and look at life as an adventure, that girl in the painting on the Gs wall who reminds me that I have it so good, or the countless other people who have made me stop and think and consider something in a different way. The crappy thing is that there is no way to thank them all.
4) My grandmother is around. She passed away Dec. 11, 2007, but she is definitely here with me today. Somehow. I had a very intense dream last night, and her name must have come up nearly ten times today. What I am supposed to get out of this I don't know. But I miss her. A lot.
5) I want to go to Australia. Now.
6) I decided to apply to grad schools and take the GRE this year. Now I just need to learn how to reduce fractions for the test and figure out a program that sounds interesting. or two. or three.
7) For some reason, the negatives in life are easier. It is easier to be mad, sad, grumpy, annoyed, judgmental and insecure. It is harder to be happy. But dammit, I'm going to try.
8) Post-exercise endorphins are not to be underestimated. They are addicting.
9) It freaks me out that I don't know where I want to be in five years. It also freaks me out that the thought of having a real career, an 8a.m.-5 p.m.-50-week-a-year job is the most unappealing thing in the world. Aren't I supposed to want something like that? Isn't that where I'm supposed to find some purpose?
10) I would rather keep my beat up ol' Suzuki than get a new car. Even at 14 years old, with no A/C, shitty sound system and a behemoth of a crack in the windshield, it's better to me than an impersonal strange set of wheels. We've got history, and she hasn't died on my yet (not really, anyway).
11) I am picky about friends. This is dangerous because I'm pretty positive that I am a hard person to really like and love and get to know, and this will likely translate to having few friends through life. If the previous five years or so are any marker, I will hopefully continue to be blessed the strong friendships that I have.
11) I would like to look into the possibility of playing volleyball in grad school.
12) For some reason on this new eating regime I've adopted, i crave sweets more than bread and pasta, and I'm infamous for not having a sweet tooth. Weird.
13) I want to go to Australia. Now.
14) The uneasy feeling of insecurity and unfamiliarity in the work place is a good sign, but is, nevertheless, insecure and unfamiliar. I'm waiting to feel like I know what I'm doing at Manogue. I hope it comes quickly.
15) I need to write more. Much, much more.
16) We are all responsible for our own happiness, and can't expect ourselves to create happiness for anyone else. It will only drag us down.
17) I read Desiderata every morning. It helps a lot. Look for it in the next blog.
6.06.2009
Life's not perfect...but it's pretty dang good
I've been slackin' on the blog front lately. Last week was pretty intense—my first week of working out and eating well, Pierre moving in with all his stuff before he heads to Oz in three weeks, trying to clear the head space and focus on some really positive personal stuff (and not so much on some really stressful relationship stuff), etc. etc. Excuses, excuses, I know :)
Despite the fact that I haven't been flexing my writing muscles, I am in a great space. It's really amazing how much better I feel after just a week of healthy active living/eating. This is the first time I've felt such an expansive and intense support system around me to encourage me to take care of myself. Deirdre, Luke, Joey, Mike and everyone at the club have been more than helpful and fun and good-humored and excited. The family, as always is supportive. And B of course is, as always, more supportive than I could hope for.
So after three workouts and five days of eating well, I feel great. How amazing would it be for me to be able to be in Australia in July and feel pseudo-comfy in a bathing suit? What a concept!
Today, though I faltered a bit. I went to the VCHS graduation to see Sophie, Cambria, Jake and others go through their ceremony. I caught myself in bitch mode, wondering why it seemed to be such a big deal. Then I remembered how important my HS grad was to me—how stressed I was about everything being perfect...the ceremony, the speech, the afterparty, etc. So it was nice to just soak up the moment and feel pride in my friends who have opened a new chapter in their lives.
The party with the Glos was fantastic. S and T sang together, and aped around like chimps. It was great to meet the extended T and D families: sisters, brothers, sons and daughters. S could have a huge party with just her first cousins and call it good. I felt pretty honored to be there, plus it was relaxing and very chill.
I find my eyes closing as i write this, so I apologize if it's not coherent. I'll write more in the next day or two and will hopefully be a bit more direct organized and clear. Happy almost Sunday to everyone ;)
Despite the fact that I haven't been flexing my writing muscles, I am in a great space. It's really amazing how much better I feel after just a week of healthy active living/eating. This is the first time I've felt such an expansive and intense support system around me to encourage me to take care of myself. Deirdre, Luke, Joey, Mike and everyone at the club have been more than helpful and fun and good-humored and excited. The family, as always is supportive. And B of course is, as always, more supportive than I could hope for.
So after three workouts and five days of eating well, I feel great. How amazing would it be for me to be able to be in Australia in July and feel pseudo-comfy in a bathing suit? What a concept!
Today, though I faltered a bit. I went to the VCHS graduation to see Sophie, Cambria, Jake and others go through their ceremony. I caught myself in bitch mode, wondering why it seemed to be such a big deal. Then I remembered how important my HS grad was to me—how stressed I was about everything being perfect...the ceremony, the speech, the afterparty, etc. So it was nice to just soak up the moment and feel pride in my friends who have opened a new chapter in their lives.
The party with the Glos was fantastic. S and T sang together, and aped around like chimps. It was great to meet the extended T and D families: sisters, brothers, sons and daughters. S could have a huge party with just her first cousins and call it good. I felt pretty honored to be there, plus it was relaxing and very chill.
I find my eyes closing as i write this, so I apologize if it's not coherent. I'll write more in the next day or two and will hopefully be a bit more direct organized and clear. Happy almost Sunday to everyone ;)
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