Did you see that Friends episode, the one where they all make New Years resolutions? Monica teases Rachel about not following through on the one she made the year before, and runs to get a journal from Rachel's room. Monica reads the first entry—"Dear Diary, I am so excited to write in you everyday! I promise that I'm going to fill you up! I'll see you tomorrow!" Then she flips through all the empty pages in the book and says, "See? Nothin'!"
Returning to this blog reminded me of that episode, since I haven't written since that first day and thought that if I didn't do it today I wouldn't do it at all. I've heard it takes 14 days to create a habit, and twice as long to break a bad one. I'll play it safe, and hope that after 24 more entries this will get easier.
I suppose the hard part is not actually writing, but is rather accepting that once you start it will just sort of happen. I don't necessarily need to look for a topic, or a lead or a nutgraph for that matter. I just need to sit down and let my fingers move over the keys and feel the words as they come out through the cursor and onto the screen. This is what P would suggest anyway, and she knows best!
My best friend, a man who is practically my brother, proposed to his girlfriend yesterday. She said yes, somewhere on a boat in Boston Harbor ( I think—I haven't quite gotten the details about it as they left this a.m. bright and early for Costa Rica to see her family). I'm absolutely thrilled for them as they are quite possibly two of the most intelligent, thoughtful, funny and beautiful people I know.
Naturally, being me I automatically apply this situation to my life and send myself into a long tail-spin reflection...long enough to last me the drive from Sac to Reno. When Nevada gets married, what does that mean for me? Are people my age, who I have grown up with, even old enough to be engaged at this point? I feel like a lot of us are still trying to remove the pacifiers from our mouths. Don't get me wrong, if anyone is meant to be married and share a life, it's those two. I guess it just really freaks me out that we're of that age where we can start making those kinds of commitments, and eventually make people and stuff!
In the midst of my hesitation to accept this fact that people my age are getting married (I hardly feel old enough to walk across the street alone), I was surprised to realize that I have been in a serious relationship for 6 years. What the heck have I been doing? Where do I think this is going? After six years, a break up, an apartment, a house, and a cat together, where do I think this is headed if not down Marriage Way? We talk about it, make playful plans for the future, and loosely consider the other to be the shadowy figure at our side in all our future fantasies. But I have to be honest that the thought of actually making that commitment really caught me in a state of hesitancy. Or maybe more like a state of run-as-fast-as- you-can-in-the-other-direction.
I'm not sure if this is because of the person I'm with, or because of the person I am, or a combination of the two. All I know is that, while I could not be happier for my friends, the idea of making a REAL commitment scares the hell out of me. It's more than a 'let me cook for you sometimes and you'll help me clean my apartment and we can go see movies together a lot' kind of relationship. It's a real, 'you're the only one and let's have kids' kind of relationship. EEK. I am definitely not there yet.
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