I went to Seattle on Saturday. The purpose of the trip was to visit my great friend Michelle, who has been, for all intents and purposes, my rock since we met and began our friendship somewhere around the Fall of 2007. She is the most level-headed, calm and confident woman I know, and has the uncanny ability to transfer those qualities to whomever she's talking to or working with. Needless to say, since the beginning of March or so, I have been in great need of her guidance, reflective assistance, and insight.
I have been extraordinarily subdued and even more introspective than usual these last few months. Something about graduating from college with no plans as to a subsequent step combined with going through a really rough patch in a couple of different relationships (romantic and platonic) has really thrown me for a loop. I have felt lost, underwhelmed, uninspired, and just plain gray and foggy. There has been haze. Lots of haze.
Most notable of all in this struggle has been an unwillingness or disinterest in finding out and following through with the things that make me happy. I have spent too much time aimlessly searching the web, tracking people down on s/n sites and stalking their pages (come on, you do it, too), sleeping and eating crappy food. I have definitely not spent nearly enough time doing the things that make me happy: reading, writing, exercising, keeping in real contact with loved ones through letters or phone calls (i.e. Facebook messages do not count), or leading an even pseudo-active lifestyle.
My questions before I went to Seattle were: Who's fault is this? Is this B's fault? Can I blame him for my unhappiness? Do we have to break up? What is keeping me from doing the things that are good for me? What is it in my brain that wants me to be unhappy? Why am I making myself destined to fail?
Enter Michelle. Together, we spent three days going through all my shit. My heavy emotions, my uncertainties, pinpointing target issues, identifying what I want and what I don't, my habits–good and bad—my hopes and dreams and desires and fears and short- and long-term goals.
Yes. She is a badass. And we did lots of other fun and amazing things to, but this is not my "What I did in Seattle" blog. That will come later.
With her help, I realized that I was projecting all my negative energy at B, blaming a lot of my shit on him, and was close to unfairly and prematurely shutting down an awesome relationship because I was too blind/stubborn/tunnel visioned/chicken shit to realize that I have a ton of stuff to work on.
The good news is that I have a great idea of what I want to do, the kind of person I want to be, and the things that are necessary to do and be to get me there. And I think I can do it all in the context of our relationship. The other great thing is I think he can get some time in to work on his own happiness/healthiness, too.
Now, enter T.P.
Because now, all I have to do is do it. Take The Plunge. Stop making excuses. Commit to being the best version of myself. Find out what makes me happy and healthy. And do it.
So here's my list. My Plunge. My commitments and goals that will help me do this.
1. Sleep 8 hours a night (not 10 or 12).
2. Work on the computer only for work and for the occasional blogging or emailing. Basically, spend as little time on it as possible.
3. Read books instead of watching shows on abc.com.
4. Journal.
5. Cook.
6. Work out regularly. Thanks to Luke and Joey at CCVBC, I am now committed to two days a week of intense physical activity. On top of this, I'd like to do something active everyday, whether it's take a walk, go on a jog, a hike, go to the park, whatever.
7. Eat what's good for me, not what will taste good for 30 seconds and then make me feel like a bloated corpulent swine.
8. Keep my apartment clean. Keep up with laundry and vacuuming, and don't let shit pile up on my counter.
9. Go through my belongings and shitcan what I don't need. The fact that I have effortlessly filled a 2-bedroom apartment with stuff disgusts me. I need to get rid of it.
10. Be gentle with myself. Be as respectful of myself as I would be to those whom I love most dearly.
11. Spend time alone. Because 7 days a week with B is great. But I would be doing myself a huge favor to split the time up and take care of myself, too.
That's it. I'm doing it. Right now.
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